


Stumbling Towards Contentment

by GinnyK



Series: Peering into the Future [2]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cute Kids, Family, Gen, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-18 23:46:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3588447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>December 2013. Seven months after the stroke Josh and Donna are struggling to find what's best for their family</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Donna sighed as she heard the sound of Josh and Ben coming in the front door. It was Thursday, the night of Josh's late class. The class she didn't want him to teach but Josh stubbornly refused and as a result usually spent most of Friday resting and regrouping. Fortunately Donna had talked him out of teaching on Fridays this semester, his first one back after the stroke. Josh had originally been scheduled to teach only two classes but at the last minute someone was needed to lead a small discussion class that met on Thursday nights. Josh had volunteered over Donna's protests. And now as the semester was drawing to a close he definitely wished he had listened to his wife in the first place. It put a bigger strain on him than he let on. He was used to crashing in bed by 10:00 most nights. And now it was almost 10:30 when Donna got up to head to the front door.

Donna greeted them both, kissed Josh and helped him take off his coat. Ben took Josh's backpack and dropped it on the stool in the kitchen on his way to the fridge for a snack. Josh headed wearily for the family room.

"There's leftovers on the top shelf." Donna called as she shut the closet door after hanging up the coats.

"Thanks." yelled Ben with his head in the fridge.

Donna went in the family room to talk to Josh.

"How was class?" she asked him as he tossed his cane aside and dropped into the recliner.

"Good. But I'm glad there's only two more weeks left in the semester." he said wearily. "Feel free to say, 'I told you so' anytime you want Donna." he added with a smirk.

Donna laughed with just a bit of bitterness as she balanced herself on the arm of the recliner and leaned over to plant a kiss on the top of Josh's head. "Why bother, it's not going to change things. Did you eat dinner?"

"Not really, wasn't hungry." he sighed as he reached for the remote and clicked on CNN.

"There's enough leftovers for you and Ben. But I would get there soon. He was looking pretty hungry." teased Donna as she tried to lighten the mood in the room a little.

"What?"

"Pork chops and rice with broccoli."

Josh seemed to contemplate the menu for a minute and then declined, "I'm ok. I'll take a cup of tea though."

"Sure."

Donna squeezed his hand and go up to leave. She stopped to look back at Josh before leaving the room. He was kicking off his shoes, already engrossed in the news.

Ben was eating at the kitchen table, a textbook propped up in front of him.

"Hey Donna. Josh going to eat?"

"Nope, it's all yours." she said with a grin. "Did he eat anything today?"

"Not much that I saw. I picked up some soup for lunch. He had about half of it. He was pretty quiet today too. Just didn't quite seem himself."

"Thank God the semester's over soon. He'll have a month to rest before the next one."

Donna put the kettle on for tea and popped the rest of the leftovers in the microwave for Ben.

"You didn't have to do that Donna but thanks." he said with a smile as she put the plate of food in front of him. "You need me for anything tomorrow night?"

"I don't think so. Hot date?"

"Well, I don't know about hot, but yeah, I have a date." replied Ben as he turned a nice shade of pink.

Donna loved to tease him about the never-ending line of girls he dated. Unfortunately none of them stuck around very long and Donna sometimes felt that was because of Josh. He had the tendency to scare off Ben's dates as he had done to her years before. Ben assured them that Josh wasn't the reason he never kept a girlfriend very long. The truth was he was always busy. He had school and his job as Josh's extra hand, driver, and occasional babysitter for the boys. He was a serious student, but like Josh, his IQ didn't break the bank and he worked hard for every grade he got.

Donna smiled as she watched him eat and study at the same time. He had been with the family for nearly 6 months and they couldn't image life without him. He was a big brother to the boys, a friend to both Josh and Donna and a tremendous help all around. He drove for Josh, helped as an assistant in Josh's office, baby sat for Jake and Jessie.

Most of all he was an extra set of eyes for Donna. She worked long hours herself and needed someone to keep an eye on things at home, to keep an eye on Josh. Despite the stroke he still had a tendency to push himself too hard and get too run down. It was a full time battle to get him to slow down. But Ben was good at getting him to slow down without actually coming out and telling him to. The way he interacted with Josh reminded Donna of the way Charlie was with Jed years earlier. Supportive without being smothering, able to run interference when needed, quick with a joke, a couple of tea or a few Tylenol. Josh gave him a hard time once in a while but Ben knew how to handle him. He knew when to push, when to back off, when to rat Josh out to Donna and when to just be his friend.

"Donna....Donna, the kettle's whistling."

Ben's voiced snapped Donna back to the present. She poured the tea and grabbed a container of yogurt out of the refrigerator, determined to get Josh to eat something.

"There's ice cream in the freezer," she called to Ben over her shoulder.

Josh was right where she left him, staring at CNN, absently tugging at his earlobe; something he did when stressed or bored. Donna put the tea on the small table next to Josh and handed him the yogurt and the spoon. He looked at it with mild disgust and decided that eating it was probably easier than arguing with Donna about it.

Donna sat down on the couch, curling up in the corner with the stack of files she had been reading through when Josh and Ben got home. She read for a while with one eye on the papers and one eye on Josh. Ben was right, he was very quiet. He finished the yogurt without a complaint and was halfway done the tea before he even said a word.

"Go ahead and ask." he said with a sigh as he flicked the channel to ESPN.

"Ask what?" muttered Donna, determined not to get sucked into their strange game of 20 Questions. 

She was tired of having to drag everything out of Josh. It was like he wanted to talk but wanted her to beg him to do so. And she was tired of it. She had tried to cut him some slack for as long as she could. But now, 7 months after his stroke she was sick of begging to get him to communicate. It was just plain tiring and she had better things to do with her time.

Josh looked at his wife and wisely turned off the television. He slowly got up out of the recliner and moved to sit next to Donna. He gently removed the files from her lap and curled up next to her. She put her arm around his shoulders and kissed his forehead. Josh took a deep breath and shivered slightly.

"Cold?"

Donna felt Josh nod against her chest. She reached behind her and pulled the afghan down throwing it over the both of them.

"Wasn't a good day today." Josh confessed as he wrapped his arm around Donna's waist.

"Didn't think so. Physically?"

"Yeah. Leg was stiff, had trouble eating."

"Sick to your stomach or have trouble swallowing?" asked Donna.

"A little of both, mostly had trouble swallowing."

"It's been happening frequently. Did you mention it to the doctor last week?"

"Yeah, she said some of it was a lingering side effect from the stroke and some of it's..." Josh trailed off as he yawned.

"All in your head?" 

"Yeah. Along with the pain in my back." laughed Josh.

"You want anything else to eat?"

Josh shook his head.

"Why don't you go to bed?"

"I have some reading to do." he muttered, clearly not in the mood to do any of the reading.

"Do it tomorrow. You'll have time. Come on, why don't you take a warm bath. I'll make you another cup of tea. I bought some bubble bath."

"And how can I refuse an offer like that?" smirked Josh as he sat up.

"You can't. Let's go." said Donna as she stood up and reached for his cane. He took it with his usual sigh. Soon after the stroke he had realized the cane was going to be part of his existence for the rest of his life, much to his disdain.

Josh headed for the bathroom while Donna went to make some more tea. Ben was still in the kitchen, washing up the few dishes that were in the sink.

"You don't have to do that Ben."

"It's not a problem. Josh ok?"

"Yeah. He admitted to having trouble swallowing today."

"I figured that's what it was. I thought that was supposed to basically go away with time."

"It was, but for some reason that problem just keeps hanging on. Do me a favor and keep an eye on him tomorrow. I just have this feeling we're headed for trouble."

"Sure. Should be a light day, he's got office hours in the late morning and that's it. I'll call you if anything comes up. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."

"Good night Ben."

By the time the tea was ready Josh was already in the large sunken tub in the master bath. He was flipping through the latest copy of Woman's Day he had found sitting in the basket next to the sink.

"Anything interesting?" asked Donna as she shut the door behind her.

"Well, according to this survey I'm not at risk for osteoporosis or premature menopause." he chuckled as he tossed the magazine aside and slid further down until the water came up to his chin.

"That's good. Here, careful, it's hot." said Donna as she held the mug out to him.

Donna put the lid down and sat on the toilet seat. Josh took a few sips of the tea and set the mug down before sliding back under the water. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the bubbles. It was some bubbles made for cranky babies but Donna had kept a supply around long after the boys were past the cranky baby stage. She had found it worked wonders on cranky, middle-aged political advisor/professors too.

With Josh's eyes closed and him only half awake she had a chance to get a good look at him. She wasn't happy with what she saw. He looked exhausted and not just the normal tiredness that usually showed in his face as the week came to an end. He seemed to have gotten more gray hair overnight. The circles under his eyes never quite went away completely.

"Do I look that bad?" asked Josh quietly as he opened his eyes and found Donna staring at him.

"Pretty much." replied Donna with a sad smile.

Josh didn't respond; he just leaned forward and turned on the faucet to add more hot water. "You wanna come in?"

"Sure"

Donna slipped off her sweat pants and t-shirt while Josh poured some more bubbles in. He scooted forward to let her slip in behind him. She sank into the warmth with a heavy sigh, pulling Josh to her. He leaned his head back on her left shoulder and laced their fingers together on his chest. They stayed like that for a while. Josh eventually untangled their fingers to reach for the tea. Donna slipped her arms under the water to warm them up. She ran her hands along Josh's ribs, frowning to herself when she realized she could plainly feel each and every one of them.

"Josh, you're too skinny."

"I know." muttered Josh, knowing that the easiest thing to do was agree with her, especially when she was right.

"Have you decided what to do about the night class next semester?" asked Donna.

Josh had been asked by Jerry Blake, the head of his department to keep the same schedule for the following semester. The Thursday night class was a sore spot with Donna. She didn't like the idea of the late class. But if he kept the same schedule he would still have Fridays off to rest.

"No, but I have to let Jerry know by the end of next week. But I'm leaning towards taking it. Try and understand."

"I do understand Josh. I understand perfectly why you want to teach this class. This class is a room full of people who are just like you were 30 years ago. And you love it. But I'm worried about you. Do you even get that?"

"I know, I'll be fine. Trust me?"

"I'll try." she whispered as she absently ran her fingers over the pale scar that bisected his chest. It was faded but the memories lingered on, showing themselves in the form of nightmares and panic attacks that refused to fade away completely.

"Let's get out." 

"OK" agreed Donna. 

She got out first, dried off and threw the t-shirt back on. She handed Josh a towel and held out her hand for him to take as he climbed over the side of the tub. He kind of gave her an annoyed look and climbed out himself. Luckily Donna's reflexes were quick and she managed to catch him before he fell. He went into the bedroom and put on his pajamas without a word. Donna did the same. She thought about trying to talk to him but sometimes at the end of a long day she just didn't have the energy. And today was one of those days. She sighed to herself as she realized "those days" were coming more and more frequently.

Twenty minutes later they were sound asleep.

The following week flew by. Josh was wrapping up his classes. Donna was busy at work, getting things ready so they could all enjoy their winter break. The boys were looking forward to vacation. 

The family, and Ben, managed to all eat dinner together the following Thursday before Josh's class. 

As was usual on Thursday, Josh dragged himself in the door after class. He didn't even bother to stop for a snack when he got home. He just headed straight for bed. Donna just rolled her eyes at him and went into the kitchen.

Josh slept soundly for the first time in a few nights. Donna let him sleep in, taking the boys to school herself.

Ben knocked on the door to Josh and Donna's room a little after 10:00. He loathed waking Josh up the same way Charlie loathed having to wake Jed.

"Josh, you up? You have office hours in an hour. It's snowing, we need to leave early." No response. "Josh," he tried a little louder.

That was enough to get Josh moving. 

"Yeah, I'm up. I'll be ready in half an hour."

Exactly 29 minutes later Josh and Ben stepped out the front door and into the first snowfall of the season. I was also the first snowfall where Josh had to rely on the cane and Ben was keeping a close eye on him to see how he was faring.

"Benjamin Weaver, I am fine. I'm not going to fall." said Josh as he tried to whack Ben in the knees with the cane.

"OK," chuckled Ben as he hit the remote to unlock the door.

Josh really shouldn't have spoken so soon about not falling. 

His office hours were over and he was supposed to meet Ben in the courtyard. He had just stepped down off the bottom step of his building and the cane hit a patch of ice. He tried to grab onto the railing and would have made it if it hadn't been for his backpack. It slid down his arm and the sheer weight of it pushed his arm down and he wasn't able to catch himself. Ben saw the whole thing happened from where he was waiting, not 20 yards away. He was at Josh's side in an instant. By that time Josh was sitting up with a gloved hand pressed against the back of his head.

"Let me see." said Ben as he carefully moved Josh's hand out of the way to reveal a gash. It wasn't very long but it was deep enough that it would need a few stitches to close. Josh reached into his pocket with his other hand and produced his handkerchief. By now a small crowd was gathered around them. Much to Josh's annoyance. Ben grabbed Josh's glasses that were sitting next to him on the ground. He held them up in front of him and determined that they were still in one piece. He carefully put them back on Josh.

By now Jerry Blake had wandered out to see what the commotion was. He helped Ben get Josh on his feet and they walked slowly over to the university's infirmary so they could have someone take a look at Josh's head.

"You want me to call Donna yet?" asked Ben as he helped Josh up onto the table in the exam room.

"Nah, let's see what they say. Who knows, maybe I just need a Band-Aid."

Ben just shook his head and rolled his eyes as he took a good look at the blood soaked wad of gauze Josh was pressing against the back of his head.

Ten minutes later the doctor had cleaned up the cut. He would have had no problem stitching it up for Josh but he wanted Ben to take Josh to the emergency room. The doctor wasn't impressed with how Josh's eyes reacted when he shined the light into them. He was worried about a possible concussion and wanted someone else to take a look at him.

"Now can I call Donna?" sighed Ben.

"Sure."

Donna was in Billy's office; they had just finished up a late lunch and were going over what needed to be wrapped up before the break. Donna's assistant Megan knocked softly and poked her head in, informing Donna that Ben was on the phone. Donna excused herself and quickly went into her office to take the call.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Don't panic. It's probably nothing major..."

"Ben." she said in a tone that told him to get to the point, and fast.

"Josh slipped on the ice and hit the back of his head. The doctor here at the infirmary said it'll need a few stitches. He's not impressed with how Josh's eyes reacted to the light so we're heading over to GW so they can check for a concussion. We'll be there in about 20 minutes."

"I'll meet you there."

Donna grabbed her things, told Megan what happened and asked her to tell Billy. She was out the door and on the cell phone getting someone to meet the boys after school in case Ben didn't get home in time to meet them.

Josh had just been taken into a room when Donna got there. A shudder ran through her as she stepped into the Emergency Room. She brushed aside the memories and went to the desk to ask where Josh had been taken.

She pushed the door open. Ben was pacing around the room nervously; Josh was sitting on the exam table, looking down, trying to rub the blood off his hands. The annoyed and pissed off feelings she had been hanging on to over the past week melted away at the sight of Josh. No matter how pissed she was or how big a pain in the ass he was being, the sight of Josh in pain was enough to break her heart. It always had been and unfortunately for her, Josh knew that.

"Josh." sighed Donna trying to hold back the tears she was surprised to find in her eyes.

"I'll just...." Ben trailed off as he stepped out of the room.

The doctor came in a few minutes later. He stitched Josh up and did a quick neurological exam. His findings were the same as the doctor at the university and he sent Josh for a CAT scan.

Donna went to give Ben an update and to send him home to meet the boys. The doctor came out to get her when Josh was back in the room.

"How is he?" she asked nervously.

"Let's go in a see him. I'll explain our findings."

Donna got a look of panic on her face.

"Mrs. Lyman, he's going to be fine. Don't worry."

Josh was curled up on the bed when they got into the room.

"Hey." he whispered, "Well, am I going to live?" he smirked.

"Yeah, I think you have another few years left." chuckled the doctor.

"Seriously..."

"Based on your recollections and those of your friend plus the findings from my exam and the tests I'd say you've got yourself a nice concussion. You'll be fine in a couple of days..."

"Great. Donna let's go."

"Whoa, Josh, slow down." said Dr. Baines as he put his hand on Josh's arm. "With you’re history I'd like you to stick around for a little while. We'll observe you for a few hours and if you're not having any problems we'll let you go. Deal?"

"Fine." sighed Josh.

"I'll arrange for another room. Things are a little nuts here in the ER this afternoon. Lots of weather related accidents." he said with a grin.

"Funny." snorted Josh.

Half an hour later Josh was settled into a private room. The headache that had been building since the accident was out in full force. The nurse gave him some Tylenol and Donna turned the light off in the room so he could try and get some rest.

"You'll stay?" he asked Donna.

"Of course."

Donna pulled up a chair and gently brushed back his hair and caressed his cheek until he fell asleep. Two hours later the nurse was back to see if she could wake Josh easily. He woke up easily but unfortunately he also woke up sick to his stomach and puked on the nurse's shoes. She took it in stride and helped Donna get Josh cleaned up before she went to change her scrub pants and her shoes.

After settling Josh down Donna went to get some ginger ale for him and to check the messages on her cell phone. Sam had called the house and Ben had relayed the latest news so he called to check up on the situation. Donna was going to step outside and call him back but she knew Josh would start to panic if she left him alone too long. Between the shooting and the stroke Josh didn't do well in a hospital at all. 

Josh was curled up on the bed, facing away from the door when Donna got back to the room.

"Hey. Feel any better?" she asked as she nudged him over a little so she could sit on the bed.

"Not really."

"Here try some of this." she said as she handed the soda to him. "Sam called the house. Ben filled him in."

"Don't tell me, he hopped on the next flight out here." snorted Josh.

"No. I didn't call him back. I'll call him after we're home." said Donna as calmly as she could. "And he didn't hop on the first flight out when you had the stroke. He waited for a few days. And let's not forget he was a huge help when we finally got home."

"I know." whispered Josh. "It's just...I don't know...I feel..."

"Sshh, honey, it's ok. Close your eyes and get some more sleep before they come to wake you up again." suggested Donna as she rubbed his shoulder. At the moment she was feeling it would be a lot easier to get him to sleep than it would be to talk to him.

Josh chuckled a little and closed his eyes. He slept peacefully until the nurse came to wake him again. After repeating the scenario one more time the doctor released him. 

A little before midnight Josh and Donna returned home, completely worn out.

"Josh you hungry?" she asked as she headed into the kitchen.

"I don't think I'm ready to eat yet."

"Then why don't you just go to bed." she said flatly.

Her tone surprised both of them. Josh just stared at her for a minute, not quite sure what to make of it.

"I'm sorry, it's just been a long day." she sighed. "Go get into bed, I'll bring in some ginger ale."

"Thanks." replied Josh as he turned slowly down the hallway.

Donna hunted in the fridge for the soda. Josh was asleep by the time she got to the bedroom. She put the soda on the night table and pulled the covers up around him. She watched him for a minute, trying to figure out where her attitude had come from all of the sudden.

And she realized, it hadn't happened all of the sudden. It had been building for about 7 months.

For the first few months after the stroke Josh had wallowed in a pity party of his own. And Donna had let him. Looking back that probably wasn't the best thing she could have done. But it was the summer, the boys were off and it was just easier to take them out, do stuff with them and leave Josh home to brood.

Physically, by the middle of July, Josh had come back as far as he could. Using the cane full time, suffering some from residual swallowing difficulties. He still had pain and stiffness on his right side from the shooting. Those things Donna had no problem handling. But the "poor me" attitude grated on her nerves like nothing she had ever known.

Things came to blows when Josh had decided, thankfully on his own, that he could no long drive. The house had not been a fun place that week. Fortunately that particular week the boys were at sleep away camp for the first time.

That week was the first time Donna had lost her cool since the stroke. Things had just been building up inside and she had had enough. She held nothing back as she let Josh have it. Yelling like she hadn't yelled since they were in the White House. And he yelled right back. And in some strange way it was good for both of them. Donna got to get rid of some things she had been hanging onto for months. Josh learned he could still bellow with the best of them.

There were two things that resulted from that incident. One was that Josh reluctantly agreed, after much discussion, to seek outside help in dealing with his emotions. He turned to Jed for advice and guidance. Jed had come down to Washington for a few days at the end of the summer. He spent time with Josh and Donna together, with them separately and with the family as a whole. It was Jed who had finally gotten through to Josh that he needed help. It was also Jed's idea to get some help at home. To give Donna a break and to help Josh regain his sense of independence.

So the second result was Ben. And his arrival helped a lot. Not just due to the things he did that were expected. It got better in that it gave someone for both Josh and Donna to talk to. Someone objective, someone who hadn't known them for years and years. They took great pains to make sure they didn't trap Ben in between the two of them. He was good at listening to both of them. He was careful not to run to one of them to tell what the other had said. He held things in confidence, up to a point. And Josh understood that Ben's confidence ended if he was in trouble, either physically or emotionally. Ben was fiercely protective of Josh. Most of the time that meant protecting Josh from himself.

Lately it seemed like Donna was relying more and more on Ben for information about how Josh was doing. And it annoyed her, with good reason. She didn't feel she should have to get her information from anyone other than the source. 

The source that was currently moaning softly in his sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Donna got up from the overstuffed chair where she had been reading. She sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to place her hand on his chest. He flinched immediately at her touch, curling up in a ball facing away from her, wrapping his arms protectively around himself.

As Donna expected, the soft moaning eventually gave way to restlessness and the inevitable thrashing that accompanied Josh's nightmares. She knew from years of experience that if she woke him up too soon the nightmare would return when he fell back to sleep. So she crept out of the room and headed for the bathroom. She returned a minute later with a damp washcloth and a couple of Tylenol.

Josh had rolled over into the middle of the bed. She could tell he was trying to wake himself up but without much luck. She put the pills on the table and set the washcloth on the other pillow. With a tentative hand she reached out to try and calm him down.

"Josh, honey, wake up. It's ok, open your eyes." she whispered as she gently shook him by the shoulders.

The thrashing came to a stop. His eyes opened and the cloud of confusion slowly gave way.

"Donna?" he moaned.

"Yeah, it's me. You ok?"

He shook his head a little and rubbed his eyes. "Head hurts." he said as his eyes closed again.

Donna looked at him with a face full of concern. After a nightmare he was usually wide awake, often needing time, a little television and a cup of tea to get settled back down. She was obviously worried more than usual due to the concussion.

"Josh, I need you to sit up for a minute." she said firmly. "Have something to drink and take some Tylenol."

He reluctantly sat up against the headboard. He took the pills from Donna and swallowed them with a little water. With a sigh he pulled his knees to his chest and dropped his head down. Donna took a quick look at the back of his head before running the washcloth over the back of his neck.

"Tip your chin up, let me wipe your face." said Donna as she nudged him a little. She wiped his face and kissed his forehead. "Better?"

"Yeah, I'm just going to..." he muttered as he slid off the bed and pointed in the direction of the bathroom. He limped into the bathroom without the cane and returned a few minutes later, looking more focused and awake. He walked to the window and stared out for a minute.

"Snowing?" asked Donna.

"Yeah, come see." he answered softly as he held out his hand to her. 

Donna crossed the room and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "It's beautiful." she whispered as she rested her chin on his shoulder.

Josh took half a step towards the window and leaned forward to rest his head on the cool glass. Donna moved to stand next to him. She reached out to rub his back gently.

"Josh?" she said, his name coming out more as a question than a statement. She braced herself for the words he always said, "I'm fine." But they didn't come. 

Josh pushed himself back from the window and took a shaky breath trying to control the emotions that were threatening to spill forth. He tried to turn and walk out of the room quickly but not having his cane with him slowed him down and in the darkness of the room he didn't notice that Donna had pushed the ottoman out from the chair when she got up to wake him from his nightmare.

He swore, loudly, as Donna reached out and kept him from falling over completely. She righted him and handed him his cane. He headed for the living room and she let him be alone for a few minutes. She moved the ottoman, straightened the quilt, rewet the washcloth and used the bathroom before heading out to check on him.

As she expected he was on the couch in the dark. He was sitting with his head in his hands, sobbing like he hadn't sobbed since right after his stroke. The sound broke her heart, as it always had. As strong and as stubborn as Josh was on the outside he had a vulnerability that few people saw. And when he hit bottom, he hit hard. 

Donna grabbed the box of tissues and sat down quietly next to him. She reached out to rub his back. Instead of flinching at her touch he leaned into it, causing Donna's tears to start.

"Oh Josh." she whispered as she settled back into the corner of the couch, pulling him down with her.

Josh sobbed until Donna was sure he was going to make himself sick. He had tried to talk a few times but never got more than one or two words out. Donna didn't have a clear idea of what in particular he was upset about, not that it really mattered all that much at the moment.

Eventually Josh's body gave into its need for sleep and he drifted off in Donna's arms, having basically cried himself to sleep. Donna stayed until she was sure he was sound asleep and she carefully rolled him off of her and slipped off the couch. She covered him up and knelt next to the couch for a minute watching him.

"I love you." she whispered as she leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

Josh slept restlessly for a few hours; waking around 4 in the morning and wandering back to his own bed. A little while later Jessie wandered in and crawled in next to his father. Josh kissed his son and smiled when Jessie's little hand found his own.

The boys were up early, eager to get out in the snow. Ben got them breakfast and took them out to play and to shovel the walkway. Donna slept in a little, getting up around 8. She let Josh sleep and he eventually wandered into the kitchen around 10.

"Hey." he said as he walked to the table to sit down.

"Coffee?"

"Please."

Donna poured him a cup of coffee and handed it to him.

"So, I guess that was a little dramatic last night." muttered Josh. "Sorry."

"Joshua, you have nothing to be sorry about. How's your head this morning? Need some Tylenol?"

"Still hurts and yeah, Tylenol would be great."

Donna got him some Tylenol along with the rest of the pills he took on a daily basis. Aggrenox to help prevent another stroke and Paxil for the all around anxiety that had plagued him off and on since Rosslyn, and a multi-vitamin to help make up for some of his crappy eating habits. She handed him the pills and he rolled them around in the palm of his hand, giving them a look of disgust before swallowing them with some orange juice Donna had put in front of him.

"You wanna talk about it?" asked Donna as she leaned against the counter, sipping her coffee.

"What's there to talk about?" asked Josh flatly as he turned his attention to the newspaper.

"Apparently nothing." muttered Donna as she poured the rest of the coffee in the sink and turned to leave. "I'm going out to shovel with the boys if you need anything."

As she put on her coat and boots she realized that wasn't the nicest thing she could have said to Josh, but at that point being nice wasn't high on her list of things to do.

And that's pretty much how the rest of the weekend went. Josh and Donna snapped at each other, for both legitimate reasons and some not so legitimate ones. The boys were starting to pick up on the tension in the house and Ben was doing his best to distract them.

Sunday afternoon found Josh brooding in his study and Donna cleaning, which was what she usually did when she found herself pissed at her husband. Ben found her cleaning the grout in the bathroom with a toothbrush.

"Uh, Donna, you want me to get the boys out of here for a while?"

"Yeah, thanks. Why don't you take the van and go down and pick out a Christmas tree?"

"OK, you want me to take them to lunch too."

"Sure." said Donna as she turned her attention back to the grout.

Ben smiled and started to leave.

"Hey Ben...thanks. I know things haven't been exactly pleasant around here the last few days. I don't know what's wrong. I'm about to call in the reinforcements."

"Sam or Josiah Bartlet?" asked Ben with a grin.

"Probably both. Looks like Josh might need to be double-teamed. You know I don't like to ask you this..."

"He hasn't said anything to me that would give me a clue as to what is wrong."

"Didn't think so. Thanks for taking the boys. Can you just do me a favor before you leave..."

"Ask Josh if he wants to go?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Donna heard the front door shut and she took a quick look out the window to see just Ben and the boys get into the van. She returned to her cleaning, stopping about an hour later to get something to eat. There was no sign of Josh and no noise was coming from the study. With a sandwich in one hand and a can of soda in the other she went down the hall to check on him. He was asleep on the couch, glasses on, book on his chest, TV muted on CNN. Slipping the book out of his grasp and the glasses off his nose she pulled the afghan over him and turned out the light.

Something made her stay in the study. Maybe it was because for the first time in what seemed like days she could be in the same room as her husband and not want to wring his neck. In his sleep he was peaceful, quiet and still. Well, as still as Josh Lyman could get.

Donna sat down at the desk, turned on the little lamp and finished her lunch. She booted up the computer and opened her email. There was some junk and a message from Sam asking how things were going. 

"Just peachy" she mumbled to herself as she hit reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject-Re:How's it going?  
Date-12/15/2013  
From:dlyman@aol.com  
To:SNS@seabornandassociates.com

It's going....not so well. Been a rough weekend. Physically Josh is doing ok, lingering headache but that's all from the fall. Emotionally, well that's another story. Had a mini meltdown on Friday night. He was exhausted and in pain when we got home from the hospital. Only got about an hour's worth of sleep before a nightmare. It didn't seem like a particularly bad one but he didn't come out of it as quickly as he usually does. Which meant I was starting to panic because of the concussion. Anyway, he wandered out of the room and I found him sobbing a little while later. Really sobbing. Took a while to calm him down. Never really said what exactly was wrong and I'm not sure he knew anyway.

Basically refused to talk about it the next morning. Spent the last day and a half moping around, snapping at me, Ben, even the boys. It's a regular pity party around here. And you know what, I'm tired of it. Maybe that's a terrible thing to say given what Josh has gone through in his life but oh well.

Not sure I'm looking forward to the semester break. A month of brooding from Josh doesn't sound very exciting. I'm trying to be supportive and understanding but his refusal to talk just drives me nuts. It always has and he knows it.

Any words of wisdom you care to impart would be greatly appreciated. If you want to try talking to him, be my guest.

I'll keep you updated.

Love,

Donna

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She reread it quickly and sent it just as Josh was starting to wake up.

"Hey, whatcha doing?" he asked as he pushed the afghan back and stretched a bit.

"Just emailed Sam. He sent a message. Wanted to know how you're doing."

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth." Donna said with a sigh.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked Josh flatly.

"Nothing, forget it. Look, are you hungry, you want me to make you something to eat?"

"Yeah, sure. Grilled cheese?"

"Fine." said Donna as she turned to leave.

Josh got up slowly as she went to the kitchen. He put on his glasses and checked his own email before heading for the bathroom. By the time he got to the kitchen Donna was putting his sandwich on a plate.

"You want some iced tea?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Donna leaned against the counter while Josh ate with enthusiasm, something he hadn't done in a while.

"Finally got your appetite back?"

"Yeah." Josh replied with a grin. "Come sit with me for a minute." he added motioning to the chair across the table from him.

Donna grabbed some tea for herself and settled down in the chair. Josh smiled a genuine smile and propped his feet in her lap. That simple gesture shocked Donna and she smiled as she reached down to rub his feet.

"Josh, can we talk for a minute. I mean really talk?"

"Yeah." whispered Josh.

"Good. Are you ok?"

"Well, my head hurts, the stitches itch and my back is stiff."

"Sorry to hear that but that's not what I was getting at."

"I didn't think so." he muttered as he took another bite of his sandwich. 

"What's going on? You've been cranky, moody, and frankly not a whole lot of fun to be around lately."

"Gee thanks Donna. Just what I wanted to hear from my wife." he said bitterly as he pushed the plate away from him.

Well, I'm sorry it's not what you wanted to hear Josh." she said as she pushed his feet off her lap.

His feet hit the floor with a thud and a look of surprise and pain flashed across his face. 

"Owww. What the hell was that for?" he said, his voice and blood pressure starting to climb.

"Nothing." muttered Donna.

Donna took a deep breath and paced the length of the kitchen trying to get her thoughts together. She hadn't planned on getting into this fight with Josh this particular moment but as long as they had started it, they might as well finish it.

She glared at Josh until he was basically forced to say something.

"I don't know what the hell is wrong with me." he yelled. "Are you happy now?" he spit out as he stood up. He started to pace but realized he didn't have his cane. Somehow walking back to the table to get it just seemed out of place so he just leaned against the counter.

Donna just shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Why the hell would that make me happy Joshua?" she yelled right back as she practically threw his cane at him.

He took it with a look of disgust and for a fleeting moment thought about just breaking it over his knee. Remembering that the cane was a gift from Jed and that it probably would only cause him more problems, he stopped his impulse. Unable to get a coherent phrase out at the moment he settled for grunting to release some frustration.

"Josh, talk to me. What is wrong?" Donna asked, as plainly and as calmly as she was capable of sounding at that moment.

He tried to take a calming breath before continuing. "Look Donna, I've been shot, I've had a stroke, I have a concussion, don't I have a right to be..."

"To be what, nasty, mean. I don't think so." she shot right back.

"Yes... I mean no. Nasty, mean? Is that what you think?" he asked, not quite believing Donna said those things.

"If the shoe fits Joshua" she smirked.

"Great, just great." he muttered.

"So because you've had all those things happen to you, you think you have the right to treat those who love you like crap?"

"Donna..." he bellowed.

"No, wait, I'm not done yet. You had those things happen to you. Were they terrible, of course. Would I wish them on anyone, no."

Josh started to say something but she put up her hand to stop him. He did so grudgingly.

"But you know what, I was there too. I sat in that waiting room at GW for 14 hours waiting to see if you would live or die. I took that horrible ride from the farm to the hospital with you 7 months ago. I watched when you struggled through therapy, when you struggled to eat. I was there when you wanted to give up. And I was there holding your head while you puked Friday night. So don't act like you're the only one who's been through hell and back." yelled Donna. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and added quietly, "I was there too. Don't forget that." 

Josh just stood there silently, waiting to see what would happen next.

"I never meant that things weren't hard for you. I know they were. I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with."

"Josh, you're not the easiest person to live with on a good day." said Donna. That line was something she had said many times over the years in a teasing tone. But today there was no teasing in her voice and it made Josh's blood run cold and his stomach drop.

He hooked the cane on the stove handle and took a step towards her to gather her into his arms. But before he could she turned and headed for the front door, leaving him to stand there, shocked.

Donna realized her exit was both dramatic and given the weather outside, not very well thought out. She found herself standing out in front of the house in the snow without a coat. But she stubbornly stayed out there, giving Josh plenty of time to brood, think, whatever.

Back in the kitchen Josh was leaning over the sink, splashing some water on his face, trying to clear his head and keep from throwing up. He watched his hands as they shook. Leaning over with his elbows on the counter he put his head in his hands and concentrated on his breathing. He eventually calmed down enough to actually move. He glanced out the kitchen window and saw Donna out there in the cold, without her coat. 

"That's typical." he muttered to himself. "She'll stand out there and freeze just to make a point."

He headed for the hall closet to grab their coats. Stuffing his feet into his boots he pulled on his coat and threw hers over his arm. Taking a deep breath he opened the front door and went out to face his wife.

Donna heard the door open but didn't flinch. Josh held out her coat and she took it without a word. Stubbornly they stood there, snow and wind whipping around them. Finally Josh broke the silence.

"I'm scared." he whispered.

And there it was, the root of the problem.

While Josh's tone tore at her heart Donna maintained her stubborn stance, only motioning with her hand for him to continue. 

"Could we at least sit?" he asked.

Donna nodded and followed him to the porch swing. He sat at one end and Donna sat at the other, as far away from him as she could be. 

"Anyway, I'm scared. I admit it."

"OK. That's good. Could you maybe tell me what you're scared of?" asked Donna with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

Josh ignored her tone and went on.

"I'm scared of not being around to see the kids grow up, I'm scared of not being able to support my family. I get terrified every time I feel a new pain, every time I stutter, every time I stumble."

Donna looked at him and moved a few inches closer but still didn't reach out to him.

"There are days when I fumble through simple things, walking, tying my shoes, speaking. Days when I just feel like my body is betraying me and there's nothing I can do about it. And that's terrifying."

The wind whipped down the street and tears sprang to his eyes from both the cold and the emotion of the moment. He wiped them away roughly with the sleeve of his coat. Donna scooted closer to him, put her arm around him and pulled him close. 

A few minutes later the boys and Ben came down the street. Ben pulled the van into the driveway with a huge evergreen on the roof rack.

"Oh no, they got the biggest one they could find." muttered Josh.

Donna kissed his forehead and gave his shoulder a squeeze, "We'll talk later?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you go in and order some pizza for dinner. I'll help Ben with the tree."

"OK." he agreed as he took the cane from Donna.

Two hours later the tree was in the stand in front of the bay window, the pizza was gone and Josh and the boys were in the family room watching television. Ben was out on the date that was supposed to have taken place on Friday night and Donna was putting in a load of laundry.

She wandered in to check on her "boys". She smiled at the sight of the three of them sprawled out on the couch. Josh was in one corner with Jessie sitting in his lap and Jake was at the opposite end, his legs stretched out along side Josh's. They were intently watching some science fiction movie.

"Showers when this is over boys."

"Yeah, Mom." they said together.

Josh turned his head, caught Donna's eye and winked. She smiled and headed upstairs to get some things ready for the morning.

By 10:00 the boys were asleep. Donna was propped up in bed with a stack of paperwork, her hair pulled back and her reading glasses perched on her nose. Josh was restlessly wandering around the house, the tapping of his cane giving away his every move. 

Donna heard him go down the hall towards the kitchen about 10 minutes earlier and she hadn't heard the tapping since. She got up to see what trouble he was getting himself into, or more likely what junk food he was trying to sneak. 

Creeping down the hall she found him eating Ben and Jerry's out of the carton with a soupspoon while sitting on the counter in the kitchen.

"Joshua David, you could at least get a bowl." she smirked from the archway.

The sound of her voice startled Josh and his head shot up. He barely missed hitting it on the cabinet behind him.

"God Donna, make a little noise next time. I almost gave myself another concussion." he said with a grin. "I was planning on finishing it, why get a bowl dirty? You want some?"

"Sure." said Donna as she crossed the room and stood in front of Josh. She grabbed another spoon out of the drawer and took the carton from him.

They shared the rest of the ice cream and chatted about the week ahead. For Josh the semester ended with his class on Thursday. The boys had school until Friday, December 20th. They were planning on spending a quiet Christmas at home, just the 4 of them. December usually found them flying off somewhere to spend the holidays with family and friends but this year they had decided to keep things low-key, just hang around at home. It had been Donna's idea originally but Josh and the boys had warmed up to it. Now, given the events of the last few days, Donna wasn't too sure about spending the whole vacation at home. 

With the ice cream finished and the small talk ending Josh reached out and took Donna's hand. He was still sitting on the counter and she moved to stand in between his knees. She wrapped her arms around Josh's waist and slipped her cold hands under his sweatshirt to warm them up.

"Two can play at that game." he teased as he lifted the hem of Donna's shirt and put his own hands against the warm skin of her back. Planting a kiss on her forehead he whispered, "So, you wanted to talk some more."

"I did. But now I have a better idea." she said as she pulled back to look him in the eye. "You recovered enough?" she asked huskily.

"Oh yeah." he grinned as he slid off the counter and grabbed his cane.

When the two of them got to the bedroom and Josh was trying to quickly get rid of his jeans Donna warned him, "Don't think this is getting you out of talking all together." she said with a smirk.

"I wouldn't dream of thinking that." responded Josh as he pulled his sweatshirt over his head. 

A few minutes later Donna's clothes joined Josh's on the floor and they tumbled on the bed together.

Later they snuggled under the comforter by the light of the candle on the nightstand. Josh had just gotten out of the shower and was trying to get comfortable. He was on his stomach with the blankets pulled up almost over his head. His hair was still damp and Donna was enjoying running her fingers through the curls at the back of his neck.

"That's nice." he mumbled as he turned his head to face her.

Donna leaned over and kissed his forehead. "Sleep." she whispered as she pressed her hand against his cheek.

"Thought you wanted to talk."

"I do, but right now sleep is more important. We can talk tomorrow, ok?"

"Yeah. I love you."

"Love you too."

Josh leaned over and blew out the candle. With a contented sigh he curled up next to Donna with his head on her shoulder and his arm wrapped around her waist. Not ten minutes later he was snoring softly. Donna fell asleep shortly after him and for the first time in a long while the entire Lyman clan slept soundly.


	3. Chapter 3

By morning the temperature was above freezing and most of the snow from the day before had melted. Josh was standing out on the porch trying to decide if he could walk the boys to school. The sidewalks looked clear enough to him.

"Josh, will you get back in here, you're not wearing any shoes." yelled Donna as she passed by the front door on her way to the kitchen.

Josh picked up the newspaper and turned to go back inside. The boys were already at the table eating cereal when he got to the kitchen.

"Dad are you walking us to school?" asked Jessie with a mouth full of Corn Flakes.

"Yes and don't talk with your mouth full. Jake do you have basketball practice today?"

"After school. Tommy's mom said she would drive me home."

"OK, great. I only have one class this morning and I should be home by 1:30. What about you?" he asked as he smiled at Donna.

"I should be home by 6. You free for lunch?"

"Late lunch, after class? I'll pick you up."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, no problem, I'll take the Metro."

"Hey what about me?" asked Jessie with a true Lyman whine in his voice.

"What about you?" snorted Jake as he put his bowl in the sink.

"Jacob." warned Donna.

"Ben will pick you up after school. You can help him carry the Christmas stuff down from the attic."

"Cool." grinned Jessie as he slid of his seat and left to go brush his teeth. Donna watched him as he practically swaggered down the hall. She giggled to herself. Jessie was so much like his father. His hair was blond like Donna's but it was as unruly as his father's. He had Josh's dimpled smile and big brown eyes.

Donna put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and went to check on the boys. Fifteen minutes later she watched as the two of them and Josh set off down the street towards school. Jessie was holding Josh's hand and Jake was half a block ahead of them, trying not to be seen walking to school with his younger brother and his father.

The morning flew by for all of them. Josh's class took their exam and he was on his way to meet Donna by 1:15. He was about a block from the Capitol when his cell phone rang. Donna didn't have time to go out and wanted him to pick something up for lunch.

Donna was in with Billy when Josh made it to her office. He put the bag of food on the desk and sat down in her visitor's chair. With his feet on the corner of the desk he made himself comfortable. With her assistant trailing behind her Donna rushed into the room a few minutes later. She gave Megan a few instructions and then leaned down to kiss Josh.

"Hey, busy day?"

"You could say that. What did you bring me?"

"Chicken salad, cole slaw and raspberry iced tea."

"Should I even ask what you go yourself?" smirked Donna as the smell of his cheeseburger wafted out of the bag.

"Nope. Hey, I haven't been able to eat one in a while." he pointed out, trying to justify his choice of lunch.

"I know. It's fine. You seem to be eating better the last couple of days. Things going down easier?"

Josh just nodded his head as he took the first bite.

"Good. So one class down, two more to go."

"Yeah. I'll be glad when it's over." said Josh softly, with the sound of relief in his voice.

"It was harder on you than you let on, wasn't it?" Donna asked.

"Oh yeah."

"And that's part of the problem Josh. You don't let anyone know when you're having trouble. You wait until things get way out of control. Talk to me, talk to Ben, don't keep things quiet. That's how you get yourself in trouble."

"I know. I just...I don't want to be a burden."

Donna put down her sandwich and leaned forward to pat Josh's hand. "You will never be a burden, Josh."

"No Donna, what if I am a burden? What happens if I can't take care of myself?"

"Josh that's not really something you need to worry about right now. You've been basically fine for 7 months."

"But what if I have another stroke?" he asked as he stood up and started to pace Donna's small office, not an easy feat with a cane in one hand and an over-done cheeseburger in the other.

"Josh, sit down, please. We'll get through it. Just like we always get through everything. You have me, the boys, your friends, Ben."

"Yeah Ben." muttered Josh as he sat back down and reached into the bag for his fries.

"What's that supposed to mean? I thought you liked Ben"

"I do like Ben. He's great. He's capable, reliable, strong, sturdy, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound." he spit out bitterly.

"Oh," whispered Donna, suddenly realizing where this portion of the conversation was heading. "Josh.."

"Just forget I said anything." muttered Josh, cutting her off.

Donna came out from behind her desk. She reached over to wipe the ketchup off of his face and then leaned against the front of the desk. 

"Ever since the stroke...I can't...I mean... Donna, I go take the boys to basketball and the rest of the fathers are out on the court, playing with their kids. And there I am on the sidelines with this stupid thing." he said, pointing towards his cane.

"Uh, Josh, I hate to state the obvious but how much basketball were you playing before the stroke?" she asked, trying not to smile.

"So you have a point." he conceded.

"Josh, face it, you've never been able to do all those things with the boys. And they accept that fact. It's all they've ever known. You didn't take anything away from them. You're a terrific father. A little unconventional, but terrific nonetheless." she grinned a she reached out to pat his knee.

"Yeah, I guess the boys don't have it so rough?" he mused.

"Josh, they've visited the White House more times than they can count, they come here to the Capitol just about every week. They call the former President of the United States, Uncle Jed. They've traveled more at their age than I had up until I came to work for you. They've been on Air Force One with Hoynes for God's sake Josh." she said with a big smile.

"OK, so I guess they're not exactly under-privileged."

"And if Ben can do some of the things you can't, then you should be grateful that we have somebody."

"I know, I am grateful for all he does."

"Good, cause I honestly don't know what we would do without him. So you could be nice to him and stop sabotaging his dates." smirked Donna.

"But those girls aren't right for him." whined Josh.

Donna just laughed, "I don't even want to think about what you're going to do when the boys start dating."

Josh chuckled to himself and reached for the rest of his cheeseburger. He watched with pride as Donna ate, read and talked on the phone at the same time. When she had a break from the phone calls he said his goodbyes and headed for home. 

The next few days went by fairly smoothly. But by the time he went to his last class on Thursday night Josh was physically and mentally exhausted. Donna ended up taking him as Ben had headed home to New Jersey to spend the holidays with his family. As much as they enjoyed having him around, the Lyman clan was also happy to just be a foursome for a change.

With the boys at home with a babysitter Donna took the opportunity to do a little straightening in Josh's office while he was giving the last exam. She managed to make sense of most of the stuff on top of the desk by the time she heard the tapping of his cane echoing down the hallway. Josh stopped in the doorway and laughed.

"Having a flashback Josh?" teased Donna.

"Oh yeah, definitely."

"You ready to go Professor Lyman?"

Josh nodded and slid his arms into his coat that Donna was holding out for him. With his backpack over his shoulder and his arm around his wife he headed for home.

The boys were long since asleep by the time they got home. As he tried to move towards the couch to collapse he felt Donna gently hand steer him towards the bedroom.

"Bed Josh."

"You know, I'm a little tired tonight Donna." he replied.

With a big roll of her eyes she took his hand and led him to bed. In the morning she got the boys off to school and left Josh to sleep. She went to work to finish up a few loose ends before the break and was home by noon. After searching the kitchen, the study and the family room she found Josh was still curled up in bed, his unruly hair sticking out from under the quilt.

She smiled to herself as she toed off her shoes and went to the closet to grab a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. After she had changed she sat down on the edge of the bed. Josh rolled over towards her but didn't wake up. She brushed back his hair and kissed his forehead. He started to stir a little and his eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, what time is it?" he asked as he pushed the quilt down a little.

"A little after 12. You ok?" she asked as she pressed her hand against his cheek.

"Yeah, just tired, that's all." he assured her as he sat up and gingerly felt the scar on the back of his head. The stitches had been removed the day before. "It feels funny, what's it look like?" he whined.

Donna chuckled at him and gently parted his hair, looking at the 1-inch long scar. "It looks fine. It looks the same as it did last night when you had me look at it." she teased. "I'm going to get myself some lunch, want do you want?"

"I don't know..." he replied as his voice trailed off and he sort of gestured to his throat.

"You need something that will go down easy?"

He nodded.

"Soup?"

"Yeah. I'm just going to take a quick shower." he muttered as he headed for the bathroom.

Donna went to get lunch ready. They ate in the family room while watching CNN. After they were done Donna went to finish wrapping some Christmas presents. Josh read his email and straightened out his desk until it was time to go pick up the boys.

The remaining days until Christmas were hectic but fun. As usual Josh did most of his shopping at the last minute. He had already gotten a ring for Donna with the boy's birthstones but still needed a few items.

They went with the boys on Christmas Eve to see the Christmas Tree and, since the weather had turned much colder, took them to ice skate on the Reflecting Pool between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument.

Josh obviously wasn't skating so he walked around a while, ending up on a bench under the Washington Monument, looking out at the White House. A feeling he had been trying to ignore for the past month or two came to the surface with almost frightening clarity.

The feeling that he wanted to be doing more. He missed the political life more than he ever thought he would. When Bartlet's term ended 10 years earlier he was disillusioned, they all were. He went in to teaching because it gave him a chance to share what he knew, to share his experiences. And he loved teaching, more than he thought he ever would. But lately he was beginning to feel like it just wasn't enough.

That was something he hadn't shared with anyone. He'd barely been able to admit it to himself. Deep down he knew he couldn't handle his old life. His body wouldn't make it through the first 18-hour day. Donna wouldn't even let him get to that first day, he was sure. And that kind of life wouldn't be fair to the boys, he knew that. But still, the feeling nagged at him.

Josh gave one last glance in the direction of the White House before turning to walk back down the path towards the Lincoln Memorial. Donna was sitting and watching the boys when he got back. She had been watching Josh walk back down the path with an uneasy feeling. It wasn't that he was limping more than usual or walking slower than usual. It was just that his body language gave away the fact that he had something big on his mind. 

"Looking at the White House again?" she asked as she moved over on the bench to give him room to sit.

"Yeah." he said flatly.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No." he replied as he looked at Donna. He saw a look that was probably relief pass over her face. "Later, ok?"

"Sure. Go get the boys, I'm freezing and we need to get going if we're going to make it to church on time."

Christmas morning dawned clear and bright with a dusting of new snow. The boys ran down the stairs and into Josh and Donna's room a little after 7:00. Josh and Donna were already awake.

"You guys are late." teased Josh as he got up and pulled on his robe.

The boys ran down the hall and ripped into their stockings while Josh poured himself a glass of juice and put the teakettle on the stove. He settled onto the couch with Donna and watched as the boys opened their gifts. 

Donna loved the ring and the other things Josh had gotten her. She had given him a new backpack and a few other little things. They didn't usually get too much for each other at Christmas, focusing instead on the boys. Who got plenty of stuff from their beloved, "aunts" and "uncles".

They spent a quiet day at home. Margaret came over for dinner and they all talked to Sam and Leo on the phone. By 8 that night the boys were playing with their new video games, Josh was out cold on the couch in the living room and Margaret and Donna were chatting over tea in the kitchen.

"So how's Josh doing? He looks pretty good. A little too skinny, but good."

"Yeah, he still has residual problems off and on with swallowing. He's doing pretty well. Catching up on his rest since the semester ended. It was harder on him than he let on. But I just get the feeling he's not happy."

"Depressed?"

"I don't know if that's the right word. I think lost might be a better description. I know he loves teaching but I think he's looking for something more. He hasn't said anything yet, but I have a feeling it's going to come up soon."

"You think he wants to get back into politics?"

"Am I a terrible wife if I said I hope not?" sighed Donna.

"No, not a terrible wife. A worried wife, a realistic wife maybe, but not terrible."

"Well, I'm certainly not going to bring it up. I'm done dragging things out of him. He's got another 3 and a half weeks of time off before the next semester starts. Hopefully he will come to me if he wants to discuss it." 

The next few days were laid back and mostly enjoyable. It had snowed more and the boys were enjoying it. Outwardly Josh was pretty happy but there were moments when Donna would catch a glance of him when he thought nobody was looking. He did indeed seem lost.

The night of December 30th Josh and Donna were set to go to a concert at the Kennedy Center. Margaret had volunteered to have the boys sleep over. She picked them up in the afternoon, giving Josh and Donna some time alone. They made the best of their time together by making love and taking a nap.

As they were getting ready Donna could tell Josh was a little out of it.

"Josh, you ok?" she asked when she came out of the shower and found him sitting on the bed in his boxers and tuxedo shirt just staring into space.

"Huh? Yeah, just a little, I don't...I think I'm just getting a cold or something." he muttered as he took the pants Donna was holding out for him.

A few minutes later she stood in front of him to tie his bowtie. He was fidgeting more than usual.

"Josh hold still or I can't get this straight."

"You'd think after all these years you'd be an expert at this." he teased.

She stuck out her tongue at him as she evened out the ends and pulled it tight. Josh smiled a weary smile and she bent down to plant a kiss on his forehead. He was a little warm.

"Why don't you take some Tylenol before we go?"

Josh went into the bathroom to get some while Donna finished getting dressed. They went out to an early dinner and then to the concert.

The concert was good and Josh enjoyed it for the most part. But by the time it was over he was more than ready to go home. His head was congested and pounding and his throat sore. He dozed off in the car on the way home. Waking up just enough he managed to make it inside and collapse on the couch. Donna hung their coats up and went to check the answering machine. 

A few minutes later she woke Josh up enough to drag him down the hall and help him into a pair of pajamas. He curled up in the bed while she went to get some juice and the thermometer. She used the ear thermometer on him and he never stirred.

"Josh, wake up for a minute." she said as she sat down on the bed next to him.

"Huh?"

"Take these." she said as she held out two Tylenol Sinus tablets and the juice.

"Kay." he muttered as he sat up a little. "How bad?" he asked, pointing towards the thermometer as he put the pills into his mouth.

"101.1. Guess it's a good thing we didn't make big plans for New Years Eve."

"Probably." sighed Josh as he curled back up on the bed.

Donna tucked the quilt around him and kissed his forehead. "I'm just going to turn out the lights and I'll be back in. I love you."

"You too." muttered Josh already half asleep.

It was a long night for both of them. Josh had a bad nightmare around 2 in the morning that left him shaking and wide-awake. He told Donna to go back to sleep but there was really no way she was going to leave him up by himself. Around 3:30 he finally drifted off to sleep, followed instantly by Donna.

Josh basically spent the next day in bed. Donna went to Margaret's for lunch and then brought the boys home. She had promised them that if they behaved they could try and stay up until midnight. With how tired she was, she was pretty sure that the only ones still up at midnight would be the boys. She made the boys some hot dogs and fries for dinner and then they went to play upstairs while she went to check on Josh.

He was in the chair in the corner of the bedroom reading when she got there. She frowned at the nearly full glass of orange juice that was on the table beside him.

"Josh you need to drink something." she said as she picked up the glass and held it out to him.

"It burns my throat." he whined without looking up.

"Then I'll get you something else." said Donna in a tone more suited for her 7 year old than her middle-aged husband. "If you can't eat then you have to drink. You really don't want a repeat of what happened in October do you?"

Back in October Josh was having a hard time eating and on top of that got a nasty cold. The two combined to rob him of his appetite completely and he ended up spending 24 hours in the hospital on IV fluids because he wound up dehydrated.

"Not at all."

"Good, now what can I get you to drink?"

"Iced tea. We have any soup?"

"I'm sure we have a can of something. Why don't you go up and see the boys for a few minutes. They're a little worried about you."

Donna turned to head into the kitchen; waiting to make sure heard the tap of Josh's cane going up the stairs. He didn't normally spend a whole lot of times upstairs in the boys' rooms but every once in a while Donna made sure he went up there. If nothing else to get some exercise on the stairs.

By 11:30 the kids were camped out on the floor in the family room, watching television still wide-awake. Donna was reading on the couch and Josh was sound asleep with his head in her lap. He had managed to eat a little soup and drink 2 bottles of iced tea in the last few hours, which was a relief to Donna. He was still running a decent fever and was pretty miserable but at least her wasn't about to become dehydrated.

When the clock struck midnight the boys screamed and all but jumped on top of Josh when they went to give Donna a kiss. Josh sat up completely disoriented but quickly focused enough to celebrate with his family. Donna got the boys settled down in their beds while Josh went to brush his teeth and get ready for bed himself.

Josh was already in bed when Donna came into the room. She kicked off her slippers and turned off the light before joining him.

"So, I guess this wasn't one of our better years, huh?" asked Josh as he rolled over to face Donna.

"Nope, not quite. Let's hope next year's a better one." replied Donna as she leaned over to kiss him soundly on the cheek.

"Yeah." he murmured as he moved closer Donna and put his head on her shoulder. She pulled him close and sent up a silent prayer for a better year.


	4. Chapter 4

For the most part the first few days of 2014 were pretty good. The boys went back to school on the 6th, leaving Josh on his own for the first time in a long time. Ben wouldn't be back for another few days. Donna was a little worried when she went back to work but Josh assured her that he could certainly entertain himself and that he was perfectly able to call a cab if he needed to go somewhere. He had reading and other things to do to get ready for the upcoming semester.

And for the first 2 days that's what he did. But since he was teaching the same classes for the second semester in a row he didn't really have much planning to do. Then the boredom and uncertainty set in. 

Donna picked up on it right away and had already talked to both Sam and Jed about the worries she had concerning Josh. He still had yet to say anything about his longing to return to politics. And there was no way she was going to bring it up.

Things started to get interesting the morning of Friday the 10th. Donna had just finished a meeting with Billy when Megan appeared, letting her know that Josh was in her office. 

"That's strange." she muttered to herself as she pushed the door open.   
Josh was standing in front of her bookshelf, staring at the collection of pictures she kept there. Donna was surprised to find him wearing a suit and tie, something he hardly ever did any more.

"Josh?" she said softly as she entered the room.

"Hey." he answered as he looked up from the picture he was holding. He smiled and handed it towards Donna.

It was a picture taken at the Bartlet farm in Manchester the day Jed had announced his re-election plans in the fall of 2001. The whole Senior Staff was sitting on the steps of the porch, with Jed and Abbey standing behind them, each leaning against a post. Josh was sitting on the step above Donna, his arm casually over her shoulder. They all had big grins on their faces. True grins, not ones plastered on for the camera. Donna couldn't help but smile at the memory.

"Josh, what's up?" she asked softly as she put the picture back on the shelf. "Feeling nostalgic for the days of the suit and tie?" she asked, trying to lessen the tension that was clearly about to take over the room.

"I have a meeting."

"At school?" she asked, knowing full well that wasn't the case.

"No." he mumbled as he started to pace the room.

"Josh." she sighed with the tinge of annoyance coming through loud and clear. "I really don't have time for 20 questions." she said, more harshly than she had planned.

Her tone stopped Josh dead in his tracks and he slunk down into her visitor's chair. "Hoynes."

"Hoynes. As in John Hoynes, President of the United States?" she spit out with a huge deal of sarcasm.

"That would be the one."

"And he invited you to the White House...for tea and scones...to ask for your help in finding the secret passage way....what Josh?"

"Donna, I honestly don't know. I talked to him for a few minutes at the party before Christmas. We chatted about his election campaign and I wished him a Merry Christmas. That was it, I swear."

Donna stared at him for a minute, trying to decide if she believed him or not. It was almost too big of a coincidence given the way Josh was feeling, or at least the way she thought Josh was feeling lately. She decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Fine. I believe you." she said softly as she looked into his big brown eyes to see if she could catch the telltale look he got when he was lying. She didn't see a thing.

"I have to go. My appointment's in 20 minutes." he said as he stood up.

Donna came out from behind her desk and stood before him with an uncertain look on her face. She reached out to straighten his tie and brush a stray lock of hair back into place. Reaching over to the chair she grabbed his overcoat and held it up for him to slip on. When it was on Josh turned to face Donna. He caressed her cheek and kissed her softly. "I love you." was all he whispered before he disappeared down the hallway.

Donna watched him move down the hallway. She laughed bitterly at the fact that, despite the cane, he was almost swaggering. And that was something she hadn't seen in a long time.

With a heavy sigh she turned her attention back to the pile of work on her desk. A few minutes later Megan poked her head in and announced that Sam was on the phone. Donna took a deep breath and picked up the receiver.

"Samuel, what a surprise." she said, making no effort to hide her tone.

"Donna I swear I didn't know about this until 5 minutes ago when Josh called me."

"I guess I'll have to believe you since you can't look me in the eye from there."

"I swear, my baby blues are telling the truth. So what exactly is this meeting?"

"I don't know. And I'm beginning to think Josh doesn't really know either."

"What did he say?"

"Not much. Just that he had an appointment with Hoynes."

"OK. We're not getting anywhere. How has he been since I talked to you last?"

"Restless and bored. He still wasn't really feeling well until a few days ago. I just know he's looking to get back into the whole political scene."

"Donna, you say that with so much disgust. And...I just don't get it. That's who Josh is. Even though he's been basically out of the loop for a decade it's still a part of him. It always will be. Even with his teaching he's always done a little consulting on the side. What's so different now?"

"Because I don't think the little bit of consulting he does is enough anymore. I don't know why..but that's my gut feeling."

"Donna, what are you afraid of?" asked Sam softly.

"I'm afraid of losing him. Losing him to this life that has the power to just suck him in and rip him away from his family. I'm worried about his health. And deep down, I know he is too. But you know what my biggest fear is?"

"I think so."

"What?"

"You're afraid he'll fail and you'll be left to pick up the pieces. You're worried he's going to have to face his limitations. And you're worried those limitations will destroy him emotionally."

Donna laughed bitterly. "You should have gone into psychiatry Sam."

"No. I just know my best friend." he sighed. "And his wife." he added softly.

"I guess Josh and I will sit down and talk tonight. Get things out in the open and...."

"Fight."

"Probably. Although I hope not. Wish me luck."

"Good luck. I love you guys."

"We love you too, Sam. Bye." whispered Donna as she wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

Two hours later Josh walked out of the White House. He was excited, confused, and terrified all at the same time. Hoynes had offered him a position as a Political Advisor for his re-election campaign. Josh was flattered and told him he needed to discuss it with Donna.

With a heavy sigh Josh started walking. He walked up to the Washington Monument, circled it a few times, wandered down the path and through the Korean War Memorial ending up at the Lincoln Memorial. He climbed the steps slowly with his cane. He bid silent reverence to the massive marble likeness of Abe and sat down on the top step, gazing across the reflecting pool. His focus wandered from the Washington Monument to the dome of the Capitol beyond it. He thought about calling Donna but he knew this was not a conversation for the phone.

He glanced at his watch. He needed to get moving if he was going to make it home in time to get the boys from school. He started down the steps, taking his time with the cane. He made it to the school just as the boys were getting out. He chatted with them as they walked home. When they got home the boys headed for the kitchen to grab a snack and Josh went to change his clothes. By the time he was done the boys were out of the kitchen and off to play. He took some meatballs and sauce out of the freezer, thawed them in the microwave and set them to simmer on the stove.

He listened to the messages on the answering machine. There was one from Donna saying she would be home by six. The fact that she hadn't bothered to call his cell phone and tell him that made him shudder a little.

Restless and fidgety he paced around the house for a while, finally ending up in his study with the phone in his hand. He dialed Jed's number from memory and waited for someone to pick up.

"Hello."

"Hi Jed, it's Josh."

"I was waiting for you to call."

"I guess you've spoken to Hoynes recently."

"Last night. So, what's up?"

"Well, I guess you know what he offered me."

"I do. Now what?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I'm pacing around waiting for Donna to get home. Jed, she's gonna freak."

"Yeah, she probably will."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"I just tell'em like I see'em. So what do you want?"

"I'm torn. Part of me wants to pack my bags and join the campaign tonight. But then I think realistically. I'm a middle-aged father of two young children. I've had a stroke, I have PTSD. I don't know if I can handle it."

"What about Donna?"

"The only thing she knows at the moment was that I had an appointment with Hoynes this afternoon. I honestly didn't know what he was going to say. She'll be home in a few hours. She's going to freak." he repeated.

"Yes, she is. Josh, listen to her. Talk to her. Think this through together."

"That's your advice?" chuckled Josh.

"Yes, Joshua, that's all your getting. Call me in a few days."

"Thank you sir."

"Josh." sighed Jed.

"Thanks, Jed."

"Your welcome son. Talk to you soon."

"Bye."

Josh hung up the phone and resumed his pacing. He stirred the sauce, got the box of spaghetti out of the cabinet and opened the fridge to grab some stuff to make a salad. Jessie wandered in the room.

"Hey Daddy. Mommy coming home for dinner?"

"Yep. You want to tear the lettuce?"

"Sure." said Jessie as he pulled up a chair so he could wash his hands.

"Did you go to work today?"

"No, I have another couple of weeks off, why?"

"You were wearing a tie." 

"Oh, I went to the White House."

"Did you see the President?"

"Sure did. I had a meeting with him." said Josh as he washed a tomato and put it on the cutting board.

"Yuck, tomatoes." whined Jessie.

"I'll leave them big, you can pick them out." offered Josh.

"OK."

They finished up the salad and Jessie hopped down to go find his brother. With the salad done and Jessie off to play with Jake, Josh was left by himself. He tried to think of a good way to break the news to Donna. Not coming up with anything he grabbed a beer out of the fridge. He put on a sweatshirt and his jacket and went to sit on the front porch swing. The weather had been warm for January and Josh was happy not to have to deal with snow and ice. One fall a winter was enough for him.

As he sipped the beer he thought, really thought, about what he wanted to do. For the past 2 hours, there'd just been one thought after another running through his head. Now for the first time he was actually able to calm down a little and think about Hoynes' offer. So he sat, swinging and drinking his beer for almost an hour. The sun had set not long ago and the boys had just been out to check on him. He sent them in to set the table for dinner.

By the time Donna pulled into the driveway a little while later he knew what he wanted to say.

"Hey." she said softly as she climbed up the steps. She walked over to the swing and sat down next to him, dropping her tote bag next to her.

"Hi."

Josh leaned over to kiss her softly. Donna broke the kiss and pulled back a little, resting her forehead on Josh's.

"Donna, I need..."

"Shh." said Donna as she reached up to put her warm fingers against his chilly lips. "Later. Ok?"

Josh nodded and then smiled as she took the beer bottle from him and drained the rest of it as she stood up.

Dinner was strained. They tried to keep up a conversation with the boys but even they knew something was up. After the boys cleared the table Donna sent them to the family room to play.

Josh put the dishes in the dishwasher and put on the teakettle while Donna put away the leftovers. They made mindless small talk while they waited for the kettle to whistle. When the water was ready Donna made two big mugs of tea and handed on to Josh.

"You want to go out on the porch?" he asked, not really wanting the boys to hear what could turn out to be a very loud conversation.

"Sure. You grab the afghan and I'll go tell them we'll be outside."

Josh grabbed his coat and pulled afghan off the back of the couch. Shoving his feet into his slippers he headed outside. The temperature had dropped considerably with the setting sun but it was still well above freezing. The sky was clear and the stars bright, lifting his mood just a little. He settled down at one end of the swing and waited for Donna.

She stood in the doorway for a minute watching Josh. He didn't know she was there and she saw the nervousness on his face as he talked to himself, obviously trying to decide what to say to her. Coughing a little to make her presence known she pushed open the door and crossed the porch to where he was waiting. 

Josh held up the end of the blanket so she could sit down next to him. After taking a large sip of her tea she set the mug on the table at the end of the swing. He took a large sip too and Donna put his tea down next to hers. Awkwardly, Donna sat down at the opposite end of the swing but then an instant later motioned for Josh to scoot down closer to her. He rested his head on her shoulder for a minute while she ran her mittened hand down his cheek. 

After a kiss to his forehead Donna finally broke the silence. "So tell me about the meeting." she said with genuine interest and not even a hint of hostility. 

With a deep breath to try and calm himself down Josh spoke. "Hoynes offered me a job with the re-election campaign. And I'm considering taking it."

He looked up expectantly at Donna, waiting for her to explode. But she didn't. All day she had prepared herself for this moment, without knowing exactly what the moment would hold. She knew exploding wouldn't do anything constructive and so she decided to try her best to remain calm. With a little nod of her head she motioned for Josh to go on.. Her lack of emotion, good or bad had startled him and it took him a moment to continue.

"Uh, he needs a Political Advisor. His current one is leaving at the end of the month. Apparently I came out at the top of the short list."

"Yeah, I guess you did. So now what?"

"God Donna, am I nuts to want this? I mean...It's been a decade since I've lead this life; since we've led this life. I love teaching, I really do. But lately it's just not..."

"Enough?"

"Yeah. Politics is my life. It's who I am, it's who I've always been. The consulting I do is great. But it's not enough." he explained. He searched her face for a minute. "Why aren't you more surprised by this?"

"I knew it was coming."

"Hoynes talked to you?" asked Josh, sounding shocked.

"No, no. I didn't know about the job offer. I just knew you weren't happy. You haven't been ever since the stroke. During the last few months it's been pretty obvious."

"I guess it has. I just...I don't know, it took me a long time to figure out what my problem was."

"I know. So what are we going to do?"

"First things first; how do you feel about my taking the job?"

"Scared."

Josh laughed a little, "Good, then I'm not the only one who's terrified."

"Nope. You need to find out how much is involved. Does Hoynes expect you to be on the road all the time? I honestly don't know if you can physically do that. Let's be realistic; there is no way you can keep up the pace you did during Jed first campaign."

"I could barely keep up then." chuckled Josh. "What about you and the boys? Is this even fair to the three of you?"

"It's not a question of things being fair. It's a question of what's right for our family. It's not like it would be forever, the election is 10 months away."

"Yeah." said Josh as he suddenly looked away.

Donna moved her head to look him in the eye. Josh deliberately tried not to meet her gaze, causing Donna to stop and think for a minute.

"Josh, you left something out didn't you?" 

"Maybe." he admitted meekly.

"Joshua." she said in a tone usually reserved for the boys.

"Assuming he wins, Hoynes mentioned something about a job after the election."

"Oh." was all Donna could say. In all the thinking she had done during the day, the thought that Hoynes might be looking to hire Josh permanently never crossed her mind. She had no idea why, but it just hadn't.

"I take it that changes things?" asked Josh as he moved a little further away from Donna on the swing.

Donna got off the couch and paced the length of the porch before saying a word. "Yeah, it changes things. Ten months is one thing, 5 years is something different. Am I a terrible person if I say that there's no way in hell I want you to work at the White House fulltime again?"

"No." whispered Josh, "Not terrible...realistic."

"Now what? Do you think Hoynes would want you for the campaign even if you have no intention of staying after it's over?"

"Yeah. He assured me the two had nothing to do with each other."

"What about school? The semester starts in a few weeks."

"I'd have to take 2 semesters off."

"God Josh, I don't know." sighed Donna. "Let's go in, I'm freezing."

She gathered the mugs in one hand and helped Josh up with the other.

"Why don't you go check on the boys, I'm going to find something for dessert." said Josh as he headed for the kitchen.

"OK. There's Ben and Jerry's in the freezer. Don't bother with a bowl, I'm sure we'll finish it." she said with a grin.

Josh got the ice cream out and hopped up onto the counter, careful not to bang his head on the cabinet. He was thankful for a few minutes alone. As a whole he thought the conversation was going well. No one had yelled or gotten overly upset. He just hoped that would last.

A few minutes later Donna came out in her pajamas, well, actually his pajamas.

"Hey, don't you have pajamas of your own?" he teased.

"Yeah, but I like yours better." she smirked as she reached out for the ice cream. "So where were we?"

"Uh, I was taking two semesters off of school."

"Yeah. Look, the thought of you working on the campaign is something I can live with. But I have to be honest with you, I'm not at all thrilled about the idea of you doing it for 5 years."

"Honestly, I can't see it either." he admitted. "So you're willing to let me give it a try."

"It's not a case of me letting you do anything Josh, you're a grown man. It's about us coming to a mutual decision like the adults that we are."

"OK, so do we mutually agree that I can take Hoynes' offer?"

"A few conditions, rules if you will." smirked Donna.

Josh rolled his eyes. "In the name of all that is good and holy, please no rules."

"No rules, no job." teased Donna in a tone that led him to correctly assume she wasn't completely teasing.

"Fine, what?"

"First thing is you discuss this with Dr. Connors. I want her opinion. I also want you to go back to the therapist, regularly."

"What? I don't have time to sit and talk to him." whined Josh.

"That's not negotiable Josh. You should have been seeing him regularly all along but you slacked off and I let you. No more, party's over."

"Fine. What else?"

"You have to promise to take care of yourself. I mean it Josh, if I see you're getting too run down and not eating right that's it, you're done.

"Yes, Mom." teased Josh.

"Joshua." she said, in a tone that told him she was dead serious. He had visions of her dragging him home from the West Coast by his ear lobe.

"Agreed." he said softly as he put down the ice cream and pulled her over until she stood in between his knees.

Josh kissed the top of her head and held her close for a few minutes. "Everything's going to be fine." he whispered.

"I know." she said with a little sniff.

"Honey, why are you crying?"

"I don't even know." 

"Well, then just stop." he teased.

Donna pulled back to look him in the eye. He reached out to wipe her tears with his thumbs. "I'm going to go make sure the boys are in bed. Why don't you lock up?" said Donna.

"No, I'll go up and check on them." he said as he slid off the counter.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be down in a little while."

Thirty minutes later Donna was brushing her teeth and about to get into bed when she realized she hadn't heard a sound coming from upstairs in a while. She went up to investigate and found the 3 guys in Jessie's room. Josh and Jessie were side by side on the twin bed, Josh was sitting up with a book in his hand and Jessie was stretched out next to him. Jake was curled up at the end of the bed. All were sound asleep. She was tempted to just leave them there but Josh was basically asleep sitting up and she knew he'd whine about his back in the morning if she left him there.

"Josh." she said softly as she kissed his cheek and ran her fingers through his hair. "Wake up and come down to bed."

"Huh?" asked Josh as he opened his eyes halfway. "Oh, yeah." he muttered when he realized where he was.

Donna handed him his cane and helped him up. When they got to the landing she looked him in the eye to make sure he was awake enough to navigate the stairs.

"I'm fine." he assured her.

A little while later Donna was sound asleep. Josh was still wide-awake, wired with excitement. He got up out of bed so he wouldn't wake Donna with his tossing and turning. He wandered into the kitchen for a drink of water and glancing at the clock decided it wasn't too late to call Sam. He grabbed the portable phone off the wall in the kitchen and dialed as he finished his water. He tapped his foot nervously as he waited for Sam to answer.

"Hello."

"Hey, Sam."

"Josh, I figured you'd be calling." teased Sam as he pushed open the sliding door to his patio, stepped out and stretched out on a lounge chair. "Well?"

"Barring a veto by my doctor I'm going to take the job."

"Wow, Donna agreed to this?" asked Sam, pretty shocked.

"Yeah. She took it pretty well. She wasn't surprised at all, actually. I think she knew I was unhappy before I did. I have to take 2 semesters off from teaching. And of course Donna set up some rules."

"Oh no, not rules." teased Sam.

"Yeah, well, nothing outrageous. Other than clearing things with Dr. Connors, I have to see the therapist regularly and promise to actually take care of myself."

"You realize that third rule is the one that's going to trip you up."

"Yeah, I do. Thanks for the vote of confidence buddy."

"Anytime. So you and Donna are really ok?"

"Yeah, I think so. We'll tell the boys in the morning and I'll call Hoynes later tomorrow. I can't believe it Sam, I really can't."

"I'm happy for you Josh, really. You've been through enough lately; it's nice to hear some excitement in your voice. So any trip out here planned yet?"

"I don't have a schedule at all but I'm sure we'll be out there sometime before November." said Josh with a big yawn.

"Good. Why don't we hang up, you sound exhausted. Call me later in the week when you know some more details."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye."

Josh wandered around the house for another 10 minutes or so until the urge to sleep finally came to him. He climbed in to bed and Donna curled up next to him, still sound asleep.

The next morning they took the boys out to breakfast and told them the plans. Being 6 and 7 the thing they were most excited about was the possibility of visiting the White House and maybe even getting to fly on Air Force One.

Josh spent the afternoon with President Hoynes at the White House going over details. He made it clear that he would not be accepting a job after the election. Hoynes understood perfectly and didn't press the issue.

At Donna's insistence he also talked to his doctor. He thanked her profusely for taking time out for him on a Saturday. She gave her blessing and basically told him he'd better not forget rule #3, the one about taking care of himself.

Josh and Donna went out to dinner with friends on Saturday night to celebrate his job. Margaret took the boys for pizza and bowling. Sunday found the boys doing homework, Josh locked away in his study getting things ready and Donna standing in the walk in closet in her room sorting through Josh's clothes. She tossed things out left and right, deciding that Josh really needed to go shopping.

Josh wandered down the hall reading from the legal pad in his hand. He dropped into the chair by the window and continued reading. Two seconds later a pile of oxford shirts landed on his head.

"Ow. Donna, I'm out here." he whined as she pulled the shirts off of his head and tossed them aside.

"Sorry," she said as she poked her head out of the closet. "You really need to go shopping Josh."

"God, not shopping." he whined.

"Yes, shopping. You haven't had to wear a shirt and a tie everyday for a long, long time. You need some new clothes."

"OK, next weekend." he agreed distractedly as he turned his attention back to the pad in his lap.

"How's it going?" asked Donna as she balanced on the arm of the chair and tried to read over Josh's shoulder. 

"OK, I guess." he said with a tired sigh.

"You're going to bed early tonight Josh." said Donna as she slid off the arm of the chair and sat in his lap.

"Oh really?" said Josh with a leer.

"To sleep, Joshua." she said as she leaned over to kiss him. He wound his fingers through her hair and pulled her closer to deepen the kiss. Neither one of them heard the door to the bedroom open.

"Ewww gross." moaned Jake from the doorway.

Josh and Donna quickly broke apart but when Donna tried to stand up Josh's hand went around her waist to keep her there. By that time Jessie had wandered into the room too. Jessie, always the cuddler, climbed into Donna's lap and put one arm around his Mom and the other around his Dad. With a sigh Jake decided he should really join the rest of them so he perched on the arm of the chair. Josh put his arm around his shoulders and kissed the top of his blond head. Jake managed to stick around for about 2 minutes before the whole familial bonding thing got to be annoying. Donna got up too, to finish in the closet. Jessie stayed in the chair with Josh and they talked.

Donna couldn't hear there whole conversation from the closet but managed to get the general idea. Jessie was telling Josh how much he was going to miss him and in the same breath looking forward to spending more time with Ben. Donna smiled at the two of them, so much alike it was truly frightening.

Jessie kissed Josh and scooted off the chair to go find his brother. "Jake." he bellowed down the hall.

At the sound of his bellow Donna just looked at Josh, "Wonder where he gets that from?" she smirked.

"No idea." said Josh, feigning innocence.

Ben returned from his parents that night. Josh had already talked to him over the phone and explained the changes that were happening. Ben was fine with the fact that he would be doing more for the boys and less for Josh as a driver had been arranged for Josh.

They ate an early dinner together and then Ben took the boys to the store to pick up a few things. Josh packed his backpack for the fourth time while Donna cleaned up in the kitchen.

After the kids were in bed Donna settled down on the couch to do some reading. A bundle of nervous energy, Josh wandered aimlessly around the house until Donna was on the verge of screaming. 

"Josh, please, find something to do." she said as he took another lap around the living room.

"I'm too wired." he said, as if that explanation was really necessary.

"Take a bath, I'll make some tea."

Josh contemplated the suggestion for a minute before finally agreeing to it. He grabbed a notepad and a pen before heading into the bathroom.

"Leave the paper and pen Josh." called Donna.

"Fine." he muttered as Donna just smiled and shook her head. As scared as she was about his taking the job she was also very proud of him. It was nice to see him excited about something for a change.

With a mug of tea and a sleeping pill in her hand Donna went into the bathroom. She laughed at the sight of President Hoynes' newest advisor who was currently covered in bubbles and singing off key with his eyes closed. She watched him unnoticed for a minute until she couldn't hold in her laughter any longer.

"What, don't I look like a political mastermind?" smirked Josh.

"Not hardly. Here take this." she said handing him the tea and the pill. He eyed it warily. "I know you don't like to take it, but Josh, be realistic, if you don't take it you'll be up all night."

"Suppose you're right." 

He took the pill with the tea and settled back down under the water. Donna wandered in and out of the room, getting her own things ready for the morning. 

When the water turned cool Josh climbed out, dried off and threw on his pajamas. He wandered back into the bedroom to find Donna wearing one of the oxford shirts she had taken out of the closet. Her hair was pulled off her face and her glasses were perched on her nose as she sat in the chair making notes in her planner. Completing her outfit was a pair of fuzzy blue slippers on her feet.

"And you were making fun of me?" teased Josh from the doorway. "That's some fetching outfit there, Donnatella."

"Why, thank you Joshua." she said with a smile.

Josh sat down on the edge of the bed. Donna put aside her planner and shuffled in her blue slippers to stand in front of him, between his knees. Taking the towel out of his hands she dried his hair and then combed through it with her fingers while they chatted about a few things. She could tell the sleeping pill was starting to take effect. His words were starting to slur together a little and his eyelids were getting heavy.

"Come on, crawl under the covers." said Donna as she helped him stand long enough to pull back the comforter.

She got him settled under the blankets. Turning off the light and kicking off her slippers she crawled into bed next to him.

Thanks to the sleeping pill Josh got almost 7 hours worth of sleep.

Unfortunately that would probably be the longest he would sleep at one time for the next 10 months. He got up a little before six. Donna was already in the shower. Padding into the kitchen he grabbed the coffee out of the freezer and started up the coffee maker. He poured himself a glass of juice and took his pills. Pulling his robe tightly around him he stepped out onto the front porch to grab the newspaper.

By the time Donna was done in the bathroom he had finished a cup of coffee, a bowl of cereal and the front section of the paper. While Donna got the kids up he took a quick shower. He stepped back into the bedroom to find an outfit laid out on the bed for him. On top was a note, "Don't expect this kind of service everyday. Love, Donna".

With a huge smile on his face he got dressed. As he sat down on the chair to tie his shoes he glanced out the window to see Nick his assistant/driver pull up. He yelled to Donna to invite him in and offer him some coffee. 

Five minutes later he stood in front of the mirror over Donna's dresser trying to get his tie straight. Both hands were shaking and the fingers on his right hand were giving him problems, as they did every once in a while.

"Donna." he whined towards the kitchen.

She came in with her coffee to see what the problem was. She motioned for him to sit on the edge of the bed and with sure and steady fingers she straightened out the tie. 

She tipped up his chin to get a good look at him. He was more nervous than she had ever seen him. 

"Josh, take a deep breath for me." she said as she put her hands on his shoulders. He did as requested but still didn't look any calmer. "Try it again." she suggested.

A few deep breaths later he looked and felt a little better.

"OK, I'm ready. Where's my backpack?"

"By the front door. The boys are eating breakfast, don't forget to say goodbye to them. I need to get dressed." she said as she motioned towards her closet. Josh took that as a sign she wasn't up to a big goodbye scene at the front door.

"OK. Well, I guess this is it. I'll call you later." he said as he took a step towards he and hugged her. "I love you." he whispered in her ear before giving her one last kiss.

"I love you too. Do good today." she whispered.

Josh smiled at her comment. It was one she had made many, many times during their 4 years in the White House. He used to tease her that it was grammatical incorrect but she always came back with some comment about being impervious.

"Bye." he whispered as he left quickly before Donna got overly emotional, something he was not ready to handle.

Ben, the boys and Nick were all having a good laugh in the kitchen about something Jessie had said. 

"I see you've been introduced to the boys." Josh said to Nick.

"Yes sir. You ready Mr. Lyman?" replied Nick as he drained his coffee cup and put it in the sink.

"Nick, please don't call me that. Josh is fine. And drop the sir too."

"OK. I'll just go start the car. Nice to meet you." he said in the direction of Ben, Jake and Jessie. "Do you need me to take anything out to the car?"

"No, I'm fine thanks."

Josh said his goodbyes to Ben and the boys and went to grab his backpack. As he hoisted it up onto his shoulder he took another deep breath and reached out to open the front door. He walked out into the crisp January morning, ready to start this next phase of his life.

In the bedroom Donna was peering out the window as he walked down the front steps. With a slight swagger he walked to the car, tossed his backpack on the back seat and climbed in. As if he knew she would be watching, he waved towards the window and smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

Josh's first week went by quickly and fairly smoothly. He settled into his office and debated whether or not to hire an assistant in addition to Nick. For now he decided to just work with Nick. He wasn't in the mood to break in two people at once. He did no traveling the first week, coming home every night to sleep in his own bed.

Donna kept a close eye on him but tried not to hover. He seemed to be handling the schedule pretty well. He made a point of trying to get to bed at a decent hour. At Donna's insistence he had taken a sleeping pill a few times when it was clear he was having trouble settling down.

He was late getting home on Friday night, having attended a fundraising dinner. Coming in the front door a little before midnight he tried to be as quiet as he could. But considering his state of exhaustion that wasn't very quiet. Donna was dozing on the couch and the sound of his backpack hitting the floor in the foyer woke her up. 

"Josh?" she called as she rubbed her eyes and tried to sit up.

Josh stumbled into living room, shedding his suit coat and loosening his tie. "Yeah, it's me, go back to sleep."

"How was the dinner?" asked Donna as she moved over a little, giving Josh room to sit down.

"Boring." he said with a smile as he toed off his shoes and unbuttoned his blue dress shirt, fumbling with the buttons on the cuff of his left sleeve.

"Good food?" asked Donna as she reached out to grab his left wrist. She undid the buttons and motioned for Josh to hold up his other arm so she could undo those buttons too.

"Yeah." he muttered as he tossed his tie on the coffee table, followed quickly by his dress shirt. He pulled his t-shirt out of his pants and collapsed against the back of the couch with his eyes closed.

"You don't have to be back in tomorrow morning do you?" she asked as she took a good look at him.

"Nope. Not until 2:00."

"Good, you need some sleep. Why don't you go lay down, I'll turn out the lights and be in there in a minute. I'm guessing you don't need a sleeping pill?"

"No, but I'll take a glass of water."

By the time Donna had turned out a few lights and poured Josh a glass of water he was sound asleep. Thankfully he had managed to undo his belt, drop his pants on the floor and pull the covers back before he drifted off.

The next morning Donna took the boys to basketball practice at 9:00 leaving Josh still sound asleep. He had managed to drag himself out of bed a few minutes before they returned home about 11. The boys were excited to see him and he showered quickly and took them to McDonald's for lunch before he headed to the White House. He was home by 6 and Donna dragged him out to go shopping for some new clothes.

Sunday found them doing their normal routine of homework, laundry and preparations for the week ahead. The one exception was that Josh was in the process of packing for a three-day trip to Michigan. Donna had already picked out suits and ties for him, leaving him the boring underwear, socks, and pajamas to grab out of the dresser and toss in the suitcase. 

While he packed Donna was quietly reading in the chair. Every once in a while she peered over her reading glasses at him. As much as she tried not to show it, he saw the apprehension on her face. After he shoved a pair of jeans in the suitcase he sat down on the ottoman in front of her. Gently taking the file from her he put his elbows on her knees and took her hands in his.

"Honey, I'm going to be fine."

"I know. It's just that this will be the first night since you came home from the hospital after the stroke that we've spent apart."

"I know. I thought about that this morning."

"But I suppose we'll just have to get used to it. You packed all your pills and stuff."

"Two prescriptions and a bottle of Tylenol."

"Heating pad and sleeping pills?"

"Donna," he whined, "I'm only going away for two nights."

"Yes, and if you don't sleep either of those nights you're not going to be very pleasant to be around come Wednesday night. Now, the heating pad is on the couch in your study and the sleeping pills are in the bathroom."

Josh left the room to get the missing items and Donna headed for the kitchen to make a quick dinner. 

The boys were in bed by 9:00. Donna was in the process of trying to get Josh to go to bed around 10:00 as Nick was coming to pick him up at 5:30. Josh was wandering around, getting a few things ready for the morning, trying to wind down enough to sleep.

"Donna, you're hovering." he said plainly as she stood in the doorway and offered him a cup of tea. He was in his study going over a few things and packing his backpack. She came in and sat on the edge of the desk, playing with a picture of the boys. Josh was starting to get a little annoyed with her. He knew she was just trying to look out for him but at times it just got to be too much. Too much of a reminder that maybe he did need someone to look after him. "Donna, please, I just need half an hour then I'll go to bed." he said in a slightly more dismissive tone than he had planned.

"Fine." she muttered as she slid off the desk and went down the hall to their bedroom. 

For a second Josh thought about following her but he knew he'd be better off finishing what he had to do and then going to talk with her. Besides, he could hear the water running in the tub. That meant she'd be soaking in the bubbles for at least 45 minutes.

Twenty-five minutes later he appeared in the doorway to the bathroom.  
He watched for a minute as Donna lounged in the tub reading a magazine. Her hair was piled up on her head and she was squinting as she had forgotten her glasses.

"You know, it would be a lot easier to read if you were wearing your glasses." teased Josh.

"Yeah. I forgot them and didn't feel like climbing out to get them."

"I'll be back." said Josh as he walked into the bedroom and grabbed her glasses off the nightstand. "Here." he said, handing her the glasses. "Look, I'm sorry about before."

"Me too. I guess I'm not handling this whole thing too well."

"I think we both need a little work."

"Yeah."

A few minutes later Donna got out and they went to bed. Josh left before anyone was up the next morning.

And so as winter turned to spring Josh and the rest of the family settled into a somewhat predictable routine over the next few months. Josh was usually gone 2 or 3 nights a week. He made a point of catching up on his sleep the day he returned from a trip, often working from home that day. The campaign was going well. Hoynes was very understanding about the fact that Josh had his limits, both physically and mentally. 

Much to Donna's surprise Josh did indeed seem to be taking pretty good care of himself. Of course she kept a close eye on him but tried her best not to hover. He saw the therapist regularly and walked for exercise when he could. The swallowing difficulties plagued him off and on somewhat but he just ate what he could. He had just had an appointment with Dr. Connors and she assured him he was doing just fine.

The first half of Spring flew by and the family suddenly found themselves faced again with the month of May. Jake had wanted the family to go away again to celebrate his birthday but Donna was swamped at work and Josh was scheduled to leave for a 5 days swing through the west coast the night of Jake's birthday. After much discussion, pleading and deal making Josh decided to take Jake with him on his trip. Josh was spending one night with Sam and Sam had volunteered to keep Jake a second night.

The family celebrated Jake's birthday a day early by going out to dinner and to the movies. By 4:00 the afternoon of his 8th birthday he and Josh were on their way to Andrews Air Force Base to board Air Force One.

Jake quickly became the press mascot on the plane, giving Josh some time to catch up on some reading and most importantly to catch up on some sleep. The last few days had been rough, there was the trip to prepare for, he was having trouble eating, he was tired. And then there were the emotions that surfaced every May from the shooting and now he had the anniversary of the stroke to deal with too. He had seriously thought about just hiding himself away at home for a few days but he knew that would just give him more time to brood. And would give Donna something to worry about. And she didn't need any more things to worry about.

An hour in to the flight Josh was restlessly wandering around the plane having just finished a short meeting with Hoynes. Dinner was about to be served and he was looking for Jake. He found him in the press cabin sitting next to a cute blond reporter from the New York Times. They were eating hamburgers and fries. "That's my boy." Josh muttered to himself. Jake looked up and waved before turning his attention back to his new found friend.

Josh wandered into the conference room to find his own dinner waiting for him, a club sandwich and a bottle of iced tea. He took out some reading material and spread it out in front of him on the table. For the next hour or so he read and picked at the food on his plate. Nick wandered in and sat down across from him, handing him a fax that had just come up to the plane.

"Thanks." muttered Josh as he read the paper Nick handed him.

"You didn't eat much." Nick pointed out as he motioned to Josh's plate.

"Not hungry." mumbled Josh as he looked up at Nick. It was at moments like these that he regretted the fact that Nick and Ben had become friends. The tag team worrying and hovering got on his nerves at times. But he knew that if things continued the way they had been over the past two or three days he was headed for trouble. "Actually, it wasn't going down too well." he admitted.

"You want me to see if I can track down some ice cream or something?"

"Yeah, thanks. And do me a favor and peek in the Press Cabin, see if Jake is still using the Lyman charm on that reporter."

"No problem." said Nick with a grin.

Josh took a glance at the mess of papers in front of him, shoved them into his backpack and then put a call through to Donna.

"Hello."

"Hi, it's me."

"Josh, you ok. You sound like crap."

"Gee thanks Donna, I can always count on you to make me feel better."

"Josh..." she said with a slightly warning tone in her voice.

"I'm tired, I couldn't eat. Nick went to track down some ice cream. Jake is busy in the Press Cabin using his considerable charms on a cute blond reporter." he said with a little laugh.

"He's a Lyman."

"He sure is. How's Jessie?"

"Fine. He and Ben went out to get pizza for dinner."

"Do you managed to have an evening alone?"

"Yep and I'm enjoying it immensely." sighed Donna as she sank further down into the bathtub.

"Are you taking a bath?"

"For the past hour or so." she admitted with a laugh.

"Then I'll let you go. Nick just came in the door with some ice cream."

"OK. Josh, get some sleep on the plane, you need it."

"I will. I'm going to eat this and then curl up in a corner. I'll call you in the morning. Love you."

"Love you too, bye."

Josh hung up and took the ice cream from Nick. He ate most of it, checked on Jake and curled up in a quiet corner to get a few hours sleep. 

Both Josh and Jake crashed when they got to the hotel. The next morning Jake was up before Josh and had already found the ice machine and the hospitality room by the time his father woke up. He was busy eating a bagel and watching cartoons when Josh sat up.

"Morning Jake," he muttered as he stumbled towards the bathroom.

"Hey Dad, you want a bagel?" asked Jake without looking away from the TV.

"No, how about you go see if you can find some yogurt and a bottle of iced tea. I'm going to take a quick shower."

"OK."

By the time Josh got out of the shower Jake was dressed and had finished eating. Nick was knocking on the door between their adjoining rooms.

"Come in." yelled Josh as he sat down on the bed in his suit pants and t-shirt to eat the container of yogurt Jake had brought back for him. He managed to finish most of it while going over some figures with Nick. They were on a tight schedule for the day and then Josh and Jake were going to spend the night at Sam's. There was a fundraising dinner that night but President Hoynes had already told Josh to skip it and get some rest. The plan was for Josh to rejoin the group in the morning and for Sam to keep Jake another night. That left two more days of campaign stops before they headed back home.

By the time Josh and Jake were on they way to Sam's house late that afternoon Josh was fading fast. He was tired, jet-lagged, his back was bothering him and his leg was stiff. Sam bounded down the front steps when he heard the car pull in to the driveway. As tired as Josh was he had a big smile on his face for his best friend. They hadn't seen each other since Labor Day weekend. They did the manly hug thing and Josh introduced Nick to Sam. Nick helped bring in their bags and then made a quick exit to go get ready for the dinner.

Sam had moved since the last time Josh had been in California. His house, though small, was very nice. A mixture of bachelor furniture and family heirlooms filled the house. After the quick tour Jake went out to shot baskets in the driveway while Josh and Sam settled down on the deck in the back. 

Sam was sitting on the railing of the deck, watching Josh try to get comfortable in the lounge chair.

"Sam, just say it and get it over with." muttered Josh as he pulled his tie off and rolled up his sleeves.

"Fine. You look like crap Josh." he stated simply as he got off the railing and sat down on the end of Josh's lounge chair.

"I know. But I swear, I've been fine since I started the job. It's just been really hectic the last few days. I'll be fine with some sleep."

"And some decent food. You up to going out tonight or do you just want to eat here?"

"Let's just stay here. That ok?"

"Sure. You think you can handle chicken breasts on the grill?"

"Yeah, things seem to be going down pretty well today."

"Good. Let me go defrost some. You want a drink?"

"Iced tea'd be great." he answered as he got up from the lounger. "I'm going to go change. I'll be right back."

"Take your time."

Josh changed into a pair of cargo shorts and a Georgetown t-shirt. He took a couple of Tylenol and went back out to the deck. Sam was already firing up the grill.

Dinner was nice and relaxed. Josh managed to eat some chicken. They caught each other up on everything that was new. Josh told Sam all about the job. Sam told of his law firm's new cases and of the occasional dates he went on. Sam was a confirmed bachelor and didn't ever see that changing. He loved his life as it was and he didn't need anything or anyone to help him live it.

Jet lag caught up to Jake who fell asleep on a lounge chair after dinner but before dessert. Sam and Josh had some ice cream and talked until around 10 when Josh basically fell asleep mid-sentence.

Dragging himself out of bed the next morning proved to be a rather difficult task for Josh. He hadn't slept well and was still stiff despite sleeping on the heating pad. Sam held his tongue when he got a good look at Josh at the breakfast table. Nick came by about 7:30 to pick up Josh.

The next few days were exhausting but Josh managed to somehow drag himself through them. By the time they were on the way home on Thursday night not an hour went by without someone asking if he was ok. He was about to just tape a sign to his chest that said, "Yes, I know I look like crap."

Jake was once again hanging out in the Press Cabin and Nick was practically glued to Josh's side, basically making sure he was still breathing.

"Nick, please, I'm fine." mumbled Josh as he unfolded a blanket and threw it over himself.

"Yeah. I know what fine looks like, Josh. And you're, well, far from fine."

Josh just looked at him with a pleading look in his eyes.

"Give a yell if you need anything." said Nick as he clicked off the light over Josh's head and left him alone in the cabin.

Four hours later, having slept through a rainstorm, dinner and a rough landing Josh woke up to the feeling of someone shaking his shoulder.

"Josh, wake up." said Nick.

"Huh?" mumbled Josh as he struggled to sit up.

"We landed. Wake up." said Nick on the verge of getting annoyed. "Here are your shoes. Is Donna meeting you here?"

At the mention of her name Josh snapped completely awake. "Damn, she's gonna kill me." he muttered.

"Why cause you look like death warmed over?" smirked Nick.

"You're fired." said Josh with a grin.

"Impervious." Nick shot back.

Josh just shook his head. "I really need to put an end to the time Donna spends with you and Ben. She's a bad influence on both of you."

"Come on, let's go, Jake's already outside waving to the Press Corps." said Nick as he handed Josh his cane and threw his backpack over his shoulder.

Donna pulled up just in time to see Nick and Josh descend the stairs. She had spoken to Sam the day before and thought she was prepared to see Josh. But one look at him and she was literally torn between beating the crap out of him and taking him home and fussing over him for a week.

With a sigh she decided that 8:00 at night probably wasn't' the best time in the world to pick a fight with someone who looked like they were minutes away from passing out. She met them at the edge of the roped off area. She said nothing as she kissed Josh on the cheek and took him by the arm. Jake took her other hand and the three of them walked quietly to the car with Nick behind them carrying Josh's luggage.

Donna deposited Josh in the passenger's seat and popped open the trunk for Nick.

"Thanks for keeping an eye on him."

"You're welcome. I just wish I did a better job." said Nick with a shrug.

"Believe me, you did the best you could. Joshua Lyman gives new meaning to the words stubborn and pig-headed. Barring a national emergency he won't be in until Monday."

"The President already informed him that if he set foot in the White House the Secret Service would shoot him on sight." laughed Nick.

"Good. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Thanks again."

"Bye."

Nick gave Jake a big high-five and went on his way. By the time Donna got in the car Josh was asleep, snoring softly with his head against the window.

"So Dad's in trouble, huh?" asked Jake.

"Oh yeah." grinned Donna. "But I think we'll let him catch up on his sleep first." she said as she eased the car in to gear.

Jake and Donna chatted about the trip while Josh mumbled a few times in his sleep but never woke up. When they got home Ben helped Josh inside while Donna grabbed the bags.

"He's all yours." grinned Ben as he shut the bedroom door behind him and headed for the kitchen.

"Gee thanks." yelled Donna from the laundry room where she was emptying the suitcase and tossing in a load of clothes. Actually she was trying to calm herself down before she faced Josh. Not that it would really matter, she was sure he would sleep through the night anyway.

"Let me know if you need help hiding the body." teased Ben.

"I will. Do me a favor and make sure the boys are getting ready for bed."

"Sure. Give a yell if you need anything."

"Thanks."

The laundry in the washer and the boys taken care of, Donna headed for the kitchen poured a glass of juice and grabbed some Tylenol on the off chance that Josh was actually awake. With a deep calming breath she opened the door to the bedroom. Josh was curled up facing the wall. Ben had pulled his shoes off and tossed the blanket over him but other than that he left Josh fully dressed, belt and wallet included. Donna sat down next to him and reached over to feel his forehead. As she suspected he was hot. Carefully she pulled his wallet out of his pocket and rolled him onto his back to take his belt off. He moaned a little but didn't wake up.

Donna changed into a pair of pajamas and went to grab the ear thermometer and a cool cloth out of the bathroom. Josh was half awake when she came back out. She held up the thermometer and he rolled over on his side.

"How high?"

"101.8" she answered. "Why don't you change into some pajamas?"

She helped him out of his jeans and sweatshirt and helped him put on a pair of old, comfortable pajamas. He curled up under the comforter and tried to get comfortable.

"Go ahead." he whispered, his eyes half closed.

"Not now. I want you wide awake and fully aware when I yell at you." said Donna sharply.

Even though it shouldn't have, her tone surprised Josh. He gave a little nod of resignation and Donna's face softened as she took a good look at him.

"So besides the fact that you haven't had a decent nights sleep in about a week and you've got yourself a nice fever, what else is going on?"

"My back hurts."

"Stiff from the sitting on the plane maybe?"

"No, not stiff. It just hurts, along with my head."

"Here take some Tylenol." she said as she handed him the pills and the glass of juice. "Where's the heating pad?"

"In my backpack."

A few minutes later Josh was settled down on his stomach with the heating pad draped over his lower back. Donna was sitting next to him gently rubbing her hand over his shoulders. The feelings of wanting to tear him limb from limb had receded, only to be replaced by genuine worry over the fact that he really seemed to be in pain. While it was certainly true that he hadn't been taking the greatest care of himself over the last week or so Donna was pretty sure that whatever was wrong with him was caused by more than his inability to slow down. And that scared her more than she cared to admit.

As Donna had expected, it turned out to be a long night. Josh woke up just about every hour on the hour. His fever stayed up and he was truly miserable.

About 5 in the morning Donna woke up to the feeling of Josh getting out of bed. She saw him head for the bathroom. When he didn't close the door behind him she got up to check on him. He was sitting on the edge of the tub, shaking and very pale. 

Donna took one look at him and turned back into the bedroom to grab the blanket off the back of the chair. She came back and sat down next to him, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. Placing her hand against his cheek she sighed how hot he felt. She reached over and grabbed the thermometer off the counter.

"Still up?" he asked quietly as Donna took a glance at the read out.

"102.1." said Donna as she glanced out at the small clock on the shelf. "It's been long enough, I'll get some more Tylenol. You want anything else?"

"Ginger ale." he whispered.

Donna was back in a minute with the pills and a can of soda. She opened the soda and handed it to him. He swallowed the pills, handed her back the soda and opened his mouth to speak but ended up leaning over the toilet to get sick.

"Sshh, it's ok. Just relax...I'm right here...take a breath." murmured Donna as she put a cool cloth on the back of his neck, held his head and rubbed his back. Not having eaten very much he quickly entered the dry heaving part of the ordeal.

It took a good twenty minutes for him to calm down and catch his breath enough to consider moving away from the toilet. He eventually just sat back against the wall next to the tub, knees to his chest, head back, eyes closed.

Donna wiped his face and sat with him, the quiet of the room broken only by his harsh breathing. Reaching over Josh's head, Donna grabbed a big bath towel off the shelf and put it in her lap. She maneuvered him enough to get him to lay down with his head in her lap. They stayed that way until she heard a soft knock on the door to the bedroom followed by Ben's voice.

"Donna?"

"Come on in." she sighed as she pushed open the bathroom do a little.

"Everything ok? You need anything?" he asked quietly as he stuck his head in.

"Things are just peachy. You can get me the phone though." she answered as glanced down to find Josh sound asleep. "And I'd be eternally grateful if you started the coffee maker." she said with a small smile.

"Already done. Don't worry about the boys, I'll get them ready for school."

"Thanks."

Ben returned a minute later with the portable phone and a mug of coffee. He handed Donna the phone and put the coffee on the counter. Pausing just second to recall the number Donna called Dr. Connors' service and left a message to have her call as soon as she could. The phone rang less than five minutes later.

"Hello."

"Hi, Donna it's Jill Connors, what's up?"

"Well, for starters Josh's temp is hovering up around 102. He's been run down and tired the last few days. He's been traveling, not eating or sleeping much. I thought that's all it was until he started running the fever. Been complaining about pain in his back, not stiffness, but pain, headache and he just got sick about 45 minutes ago."

"Sounds like it was a great night in the Lyman house. What's he doing now?"

"Would you believe sleeping on the floor of the bathroom."

Jill chuckled at bit. "I'd pretty much believe anything you tell me about Josh. I'll be in the office by 7, bring him over when he wakes up. My guess would be a kidney infection along with some other things..." she said, her voice trailing off as she yawned.

"And those things would be exhaustion, dehydration, stuff like that." sighed Donna, already knowing what was coming next.

"Yep. So I would pack a bag cause I'll probably send him to the ER for a day of IV antibiotics and fluids."

"Oh joy. We'll see you soon. Thanks so much for getting right back to me."

"Not a problem. I'll see you two when you get here."

As she clicked off the phone Donna ran her fingers through Josh's hair. He stirred a little at her touch and eventually opened his eyes. Donna told him about the conversation with Jill and much to her surprise he didn't complain about the fact that she was probably going to send him to the hospital. Which, of course, made Donna worry even more. 

By 7:10 they were on their way to Jill's office. She met them at the door and after getting one look at Josh was half tempted to just send them to GW without even checking him out. But she didn't and she ushered them into the exam room. Josh sat down on the table and Donna helped him slip off his coat. Jill took his vitals, did a quick exam and handed him a plastic cup.

"Great." he groaned as he took the cup from Jill and his cane from Donna.

He was back in a minute. Jill took the cup from him and took it over to the small lab in the back of her office. It only took her a minute to take a quick look under the microscope.

"OK, with the fever, the back pain, the headache and the blood in the urine it looks like a kidney infection. So given your considerable skill at becoming dehydrated you just won yourself a day long stay at the lovely George Washington University Hospital."

Josh groaned but since he knew it would be a losing battle he didn't bother to argue.

"I'll call ahead, they'll be expecting you. I'll try to come over around lunch time."

Josh muttered his thanks. Jill mouthed "Good luck" in Donna's direction as she waved goodbye to them.


	6. Chapter 6

Fourteen hours later they walked in the front door of their house. Josh was a little groggy from something they had given him to relax. Donna settled him down with the heating pad on the couch in the study. She turned on CNN for him and went to take a quick shower to get rid of the lingering hospital smell.

"Josh you hungry?" she asked as she stood in the doorway drying her hair with a towel.

"A little, I think."

Donna came back 10 minutes later with a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches and 2 bottles of iced tea.

They ate in silence. Josh managed to finish most of the sandwich and all of the tea.

"So, I guess we need to talk?" he said with a sigh.

"Yeah, but you know what, it's getting late and I honestly don't feel up to getting into this right now." she said with a shrug of her shoulders. "We'll talk when you feel better."

"OK. I think I'm going to just take a quick shower and go to bed."

"Fine. I'll be there in a while."

Donna spent most of Saturday with the boys. They had basketball games in the morning and she took them out shopping in the afternoon. She felt that distancing herself from Josh for the day was a good idea. And it probably was. He spent most of the day sleeping. 

Ben had plans for the evening so Margaret had offered to take the boys for the night so Josh and Donna could talk. By the time Donna got home a little after 3 Josh was up and had just gotten out of the shower. He was reading and eating a bowl of macaroni and cheese at the kitchen table.

"Hey, feeling better?" asked Donna as she stopped long enough to kiss the top of his head before putting the milk she just bought in the refrigerator.

"A little I guess."

"You take your pills?" she asked as went over to him to feel his forehead. He nodded. "Still pretty warm."

"Yeah. I took Tylenol too. So the boys are at Margaret's?"

"Yeah." she answered as she put the teakettle on the stove.

"Time to talk?"

"I think so. You want to go first?"

"No, feel free." he said as he gestured towards her.

Donna walked over to the table and took a seat opposite him. "Fine. The first thing I want to say is I'm proud of you, you made it almost 5 months without running yourself into the ground."

"Was that supposed to be funny?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, but it's also the truth." she said flatly. "Now what?"

"I take another day to recover and I go back to work on Monday morning."

"And what, just forget that this happened?"

"That what happened? I got a kidney infection. I didn't get that from not sleeping or eating right."

"No, but it made it worse and it hit you harder because you were too rundown."

"It was just a bad week." Josh tried to explain. "It's just a bad..."

"A bad month." whispered Donna, finishing his thought.

Josh nodded and glanced at the calendar on the wall. The next day was the 14-year anniversary of Rosslyn and the one-year anniversary of his stroke had just passed.

"But you know what, it doesn't matter to me why it was a bad week, month whatever. What bothers me is that you didn't take care of yourself. That's the bottom line."

"Meaning what?" asked Josh, not quite sure where the conversation was headed.

"You remember the rules?"

"Oh, will you just be quiet about the rules." groaned Josh, clearly annoyed with the whole conversation.

Donna just stared at him for a second, pushed back her chair and stood up. She glared at him for a second and went to pour 2 cups of tea. She put one down in front of him with enough force to spill a little onto the placemat. Josh sopped it up with a napkin while he waited to see what would happen next.

"So now we should just wait for the next time? Maybe next time it'll be a little more exciting, something to land you in the hospital for longer than 12 hours, yeah, maybe another stroke." she yelled.

Josh just stared at her. While it was common for them to have rather lively discussions when they disagreed, they rarely yelled at each other. And when one of them was yelling it was usually him.

"What's the matter Josh, can't think of a smart ass comeback?"

"I don't have a c-clue what I could say right now that wouldn't make you even angrier."

"I could think of one thing." muttered Donna under her breath.

Josh took a deep breath, "I guess I can think of it too... but there's no way in hell I am q-quitting." he yelled right back. 

He stood up and walked over to look out the window over the sink. Donna watched him from behind as he gripped the counter until his knuckles turned white and his arms starting shaking. It took everything she had to stay on the other side of the room. She could tell Josh was watching her reflection in the window, just waiting for her to come over to him, to tell him things would all work out, to wrap her arms around him. But she didn't budge. 

So there they stood, silently fuming at each other, waiting to see what would happen next, waiting to see who would make the next move.

Josh eventually loosened his grip on the counter and turned around. Donna was still staring at him, arms folded across her chest. He unconsciously imitated her pose.

"Now what?" asked Donna. "I just sit back and wait?"

"Wait for what?" asked Josh.

"I don't know...for another horrible event that I can mark down on my calendar. Another anniversary."

"What the hell are you talking about."

"You just don't get it, do you Josh?"

"Apparently not." he yelled as he threw his arms in the air. "Why don't you enlighten me Donna?"

"I'm just supposed to sit around and watch you drive yourself into an early grave?"

"That's not what I'm doing."

"Sure looks that way from here. Maybe you could do me a favor and make it in May, that way all of my horrible anniversaries are in the same month. Makes them easier to remember." she screamed, her hand flying up to her mouth as soon as the words crossed her lips. She never before had such a feeling of utter and complete regret in all her life.

The words just hung there for a minute, as both Josh and Donna were too shocked to say much of anything. But Josh found his voice pretty quickly.

"That was real m-mature. What ever happened to us t-talking about things like adults?"

"I guess we'll have to wait until we act like adults to find out." yelled Donna.

"D-donna, we're not getting anywhere, you realize that, right?" he asked, his voice softening a little.

"Yes, I do realize that." she said as all of the sudden standing seemed to take up too much energy and she slide down the wall to sit on the floor.

"T-too much fighting wearing you out?" he smirked.

"Something like that."

"And I was just getting started. I'm ready to go another few rounds."

"Yeah and that's why you've been stuttering for the last ten minutes."

In the past 6 months Josh's stuttering had become almost non-existent, appearing only when he was utterly frustrated.

"I was hoping you wouldn't n-notice that." he said quietly as he walked across the room to stand in front of her. He weighed the practicality of sitting down on the floor with her; finally deciding it wouldn't be such a good idea.

"I notice everything Josh. Haven't you figured that out by now?"

"I have. And sometimes I wish you weren't so observant."

"You know what, so do I." Donna admitted with a tiny hint of a smile.

"So what's the bottom line?"

"Bottom line is I'm terrified of being left to raise the boys myself. But I'm just as terrified of having you sit around all day to brood. We need a middle ground. I thought this job would be it, but apparently I was wrong."

"Donna, this job is the middle ground. Yes, I got too rundown and it caught up to me. I admit that. But it's time to get over it. I'm not going to promise you it won't happen again. I can't."

"I know." she said as she stood up. "It probably will happen again. And maybe next time we can both deal with it a little better."

"God I hope so." he said as he tentatively reached out to take her into his arms. She hesitated for a second and then melted into his embrace. It wasn't long before he felt her tears against his cheek."

"Honey don't cry, please." he whispered.

"Too late."

"OK." he whispered as he felt tears of his own mix with hers.

Finally the overwhelming need to sit down hit Josh and he pulled Donna into the living room by the hand. The ended up on the couch, side by side.

"So, now what?" asked Donna. "It's only a little after 4, the night's still young. Any ideas?"

"I have a few but unfortunately I have a suspicion my body won't be very cooperative." he said with a smile.

"I didn't think that was on the agenda for tonight."

"But it would have been nice though, some make up sex after the worst fight we've had in...well, in a long time."

"I'll take a rain check, ok?"

"Sure."

They just sat there for a while, the silence broken by Josh's occasional yawning and the sound of his fidgeting while he tried to get comfortable. Finally Donna scooted into the corner and pulled him back against her. She pressed a cool hand against his warm cheek. He sighed a little and leaned in to her touch.

"Nice and cool." he muttered. "Feels good."

"You're still pretty warm. Can I get you anything? You hungry, you didn't finish the macaroni."

"Something to drink." he answered as Donna started to get up. "In a minute, just stay here for minute, please" he asked quietly.

Donna nodded as she felt tears spring to her eyes again as she looked down at him. With her cool hand she brushed back his hair and caressed his face. A couple of minutes later Josh fell asleep. Donna held him for a while longer and then slipped off the couch. She pulled the afghan up over his legs and turned out the light.

Donna grabbed the portable phone and stepped out the back door to get some air. She walked to the swing set and took a seat on the swing. The memory of Josh, Sam and Toby trying to put together the swing set years ago brought a smile and eventually a laugh or two. The laughter eventually dissolved into a few tears as she recalled the events of the last few days as well as the upcoming anniversary. The ringing of the phone made her jump as she wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"Hello." she answered, sniffing just a little.

"Donna, it's Sam."

"Hi."

"What's wrong?"

"Uh let's see, where should I even start?" she laughed bitterly.

"How's Josh?"

"He's got a nasty kidney infection; spent some time yesterday in the ER for fluids and antibiotics. Still running a fever. He's asleep on the couch."

"And you?"

"Just great. Spent sometime kicking my husband while he was down this afternoon."

"What happened?" sighed Sam as he stretched out on a lounge chair on his deck.

"We had a fight and I said some things that were, uh.. pretty bad."

"Such as?"

"Well, I basically accused him of driving himself into an early grave and then told him to do it in May so all my horrible memories are in the same month, makes it easier to remember them that way." she explained while trying not to sob too loudly.

"Wow." was all Sam could mutter for a moment.

"Yeah, Josh pretty much had the same reaction. Sam, I have never regretted saying anything more in my entire life."

"What happened after that?"

"Not much. We both yelled a little. Then we both realized we weren't exactly acting like adults about the whole situation. I told him the bottom line is that I'm scared to death of losing him."

"I know." he said softly, "And he's terrified at the thought of leaving you alone."

"I know. So he's promised to take care of himself and he's planning on going back to work on Monday."

"And you're ok with that?"

"I don't know...I have to be I guess. Sam, I can't wait for these next 6 months to be over. I don't know how much more I can take."

"Donna, do you ever talk to someone about all this?"

"I talk to you, I talk to Jed and Abbey..."

"That's not what I meant." he said, cutting her off.

"I know."

"I think you need to talk to someone."

"I've thought about it. I suppose I should."

"Promise me you'll look into it."

"I will." said Donna as she looked up to find Josh standing against the metal frame of the sliding glass door. He looked rumpled, feverish, tired and more adorable than she could remember. With a dimpled smile he crossed the yard to sit on the other swing. "Hold on, Josh just came outside." she said. She held her hand over the phone, "It's Sam, you want to talk to him?"

Josh nodded.

"Sam, Josh wants to talk. I'll talk to you later in the week. Bye."

"Bye."

Donna handed Josh the phone, kissed the top of his head and went inside to get a coat for him. A minute later she came back out, set his jacket over his shoulders and set a bottle of iced tea on the slide platform. He reached out to squeeze her hand as she went back in to find something to make for dinner.

Josh talked to Sam for a good half hour; giving his version of the fight, which pretty much matched up with the version Donna had told Sam. After he hung up Josh stayed outside, letting the cool evening air clear his head a little.

Donna went out to check on him a while later. He was swinging slowly, his hair pretty much standing straight up thanks to the breeze and the fact that he had been running his fingers through it for the last 10 minutes. It was a nervous habit Donna had always found endearing.

Josh looked up when he saw Donna come out. He put his left foot down to stop the swing as she moved to stand in front of him. With a sigh he leaned forward a little, resting his head against the soft worn cotton of the sweatshirt she wore. Inhaling the scent of her perfume he relaxed a little more. His arms came up around her waist and he reached his hands up under the sweatshirt, pressing them against the small of her back.

Bending down, Donna kissed the top of his head. Her one hand came around him to rub small circles over his back. The other hand came to rest on the back of his neck, a cooling presence against his hot skin. She felt him shiver a little from a combination of the fever and the light breeze.

"Come on inside, it's getting chilly out here." she said as she tipped his chin up and kissed his forehead.

"OK"

Donna took his hand, pulled him up and handed him the cane. He had gotten stiff while sitting out there on the swing so he followed her in slowly. They ate dinner and she sent him to take a cool shower to try and get his temperature down. She was just about to go check on him when the phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hi, Donna, it's Jill Connors. Just checking to see how Josh is doing."

"OK, I guess. He doesn't seem to be in as much pain but we can't get the fever below 100."

"How high has it been running?"

"Anywhere from just over 100 to almost 102."

"Not what I wanted to hear. I'll give him another day and if it's not staying down by Monday morning I want to do some blood work, maybe run a couple of other tests."

"OK. I'll let him know."

"How are things going otherwise?"

"Well, apart from the big fight we had, he's been pretty quiet. The anniversary of Rosslyn is tomorrow so I'm not holding out any great hope that tomorrow will be a good day."

"I don't imagine it will be. Give me a call if you need anything, you have my home number right?"

"I do, thanks."

"Take care and call me with an update."

"OK, bye."

"Bye."

As soon as she hung up the phone she realized she should have asked Jill for the recommendation of someone she could talk to. She made a mental note to remember to do it when she talked to her on Monday. She heard the shower turn off as she headed down the hall to the bedroom. There was a trail of clothes from the bedroom door to the bathroom and she shook her head as she leaned over to pick them up. She knocked lightly on the bathroom door and Josh told her to come in. With a snort in his direction she made a big production of showing him the dirty clothes being tossed in the hamper.

"Oh, leave me alone, I'm sick." he smirked as he looked in the mirror and ran his hand over his chin. "God, I really do look like crap, don't I?" he asked as he put his glasses back on.

"Yeah, and you need to shave." Donna pointed out as she hopped up on the counter.

"I will." he said as he pulled his electric razor out of the charger. He shivered a little as he was only wearing a towel around his waist. "Can you grab me a pair of boxers?" he asked as he pulled his robe off the back of the door and put it on.

Donna tossed a pair in to him and then went to move over a load of laundry to the dryer. As she came back down the hall she heard the hum of his razor. She peeked her head in the bathroom her eyes met his in the mirror. He smiled a little and motioned for her to come in. Resuming her position on the counter she kept him company while he finished.

"Jill called. If we can't get the fever to stay below 100 by Monday she wants to do some blood work."

"Great." he muttered as he pressed his palm against his cheek, trying to see if he was still feverish.

Donna just laughed at him for a second before pulling him close so she could press her lips against his forehead.

"Yeah, you're warm." she said as she glanced at the clock. She slid off the counter to grab some Tylenol from the kitchen. When she got back Josh was holding the ear thermometer. She laughed as she watched her mechanically inept husband struggle with something the boys knew how to use.

"You could stop laughing and give me a hand." he teased as she held out the thermometer.

Donna gave one last laugh, took it from him and gently put the probe in his ear. She pressed the button and 3 seconds later held it up for Josh to read.

"101.6, damn." he muttered as he turned on the faucet to get a drink of water to take the pills.

With the help of a sleeping pill Josh managed to sleep for about 5 straight hours before waking from a nightmare. Given the date and the fact that Josh was still running a fever the nightmare certainly wasn't a surprise. In fact when Josh woke up from it he just crept out of bed, splashed some water on his face and settled down on the couch in his study, watching CNN. Donna found him there about 7 the next morning when she got up. He was sound asleep with his glasses on. She carefully took them off, flicked off the television and pulled the blanket around him. His temperature was still up so she got a cool, damp cloth for his forehead and closed the door so he could get some more sleep.

The day went about as well as expected, given the date and the fact that Josh still wasn't feeling well. Two years earlier on the anniversary Josh and Donna had sat the boys down and explained things to them. In a house where CNN was on basically every hour of the day they were bound to see Josh and Jed's faces on that particular day in May so Josh and Donna told them enough for them to understand. 

Donna took the boys aside that morning before Josh got up and reminded them of the date. They were too cute trying to keep Josh laughing by telling bad jokes and stuff like that. Josh felt a little better although he still had a slight fever for most of the day. He walked the boys to the park around the corner after lunch and sat in the sun reading the paper while they played.

As was normal for that particular day in May the phone rang constantly. Some calls Donna took, some she let the machine pick up. By 9:00 that night everyone from Bartlet's Senior Staff had called at least once. Josh was finishing up a call from Jed and Abbey while Donna got the boys settled into bed.

Josh was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom when Donna came into the room. He was standing there wearing only his untied bathrobe, boxers and a pair of socks.

"That's quite an outfit Joshua." she teased as she walked behind him to toss some clothes in the hamper. He didn't respond to her teasing and she stopped to actually see what he was doing. And then it hit her; he was looking at the scar on his chest. She stood behind him and wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

"You can hardly see it anymore." she whispered as her eyes met his in the mirror.

"I suppose so." he sighed. "You don't think it's ugly."

"Josh, it's been 14 years. I don't even notice it anymore." she said as she slowly traced the thin line with her finger.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Come on; let's go to bed. You need some sleep if you're going back to work tomorrow."

"OK."

Donna took Josh by the hand and led him to bed.

The summer flew by in a flash. The entire Lyman clan was busy from the time school let out until Labor Day weekend. The boys spent time in day camp for a few weeks. Then Donna and the boys had taken a trip to Wisconsin to visit her parents and they all spent a long weekend in New Hampshire with Jed and Abbey. 

Josh worked hard on the campaign and did fairly well, all things considered. He had a rough time traveling for more than 3 or 4 days at a time but managed to work his schedule out so that didn't happen very often. The weather in DC had been very hot and humid for two weeks in the middle of July and he had a rough time. So he worked from home as much as he could, doing stuff over the phone and the computer.

For the most part he listened to his body and took care of himself. Sure there were a few incidents over the summer, but nothing that landed him in the hospital, at least not overnight. He did spend one memorable night in the emergency room in St. Louis though. Sam and Toby had joined him for a few days and they had been playing pool when Josh's little finger somehow got in the way when Toby was breaking. He ended up needing an x-ray and eventually lost the fingernail. Josh blamed that incident on his slower than normal reflexes since the stroke. Donna knew better and blamed it on the two beers Sam let him have.

Now it was two weeks away from the election. Things looked close, the Republican challenger, Stephen Baxter, was gaining ground and Josh and the rest of the staff were scrambling to hold things together. Donna was trying not to hover and was actually doing a pretty good job. She didn't bug Josh about eating or sleeping but she was known to stuff his backpack full of raisins, peanut butter crackers and other things that bordered on being good for him. 

Back in June she had found a therapist she liked. And it worked out well. She usually saw him every two weeks but as the election got closer she found herself going every week. He helped her to know when to take a step back and just let Josh be and when to step in. While deep down Donna was glad for the opportunity the campaign had given Josh, she was glad it was ending. He was set to go back to teaching in January and the boys were looking forward to having him around more. The novelty of visiting the White House and even traveling on Air Force One had worn off and they just wanted their dad back.

The days leading up to Election Day passed by in a blur of activity, phone calls, faxes, number crunching and the occasion nap. By the morning of Election Day Josh was wiped out. The boys went with Josh and Donna to vote and then the 4 of them headed over to the White House to join the rest of the campaign staff as they spent the day glued to the television.

Despite the excitement, Donna did manage to get Josh to just sit with his feet up in his office for about an hour in the late afternoon. She got him a cup of tea and shut the door, leaving Nick to stand guard for a while.

At a little after midnight that night it was announced that John Hoynes had indeed won re-election. The party started immediately. Ben had stopped by to pick up the boys about 10:30, leaving Josh and Donna to celebrate the victory. 

Around 1:30 they headed through the West Wing on their way out of the building. As they stepped through the gate they stopped and turned back to look at the White House. The building stood stately in the light of the full moon and the bright stars. Josh put his arms around Donna and they stood there in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. 

The realization that his days in the White House were over hit Josh all at once and he buried his head in Donna's shoulder. She patted his back and whispered that she loved him.

"This is it, isn't it?" he answered, his voice hoarse from the celebrating and the sheer exhaustion.

"Yeah, this is it for the White House. Now it's time to go back to being a family."

She felt him nod as he kissed her cheek and let go of her.

"You wanna walk for a little while?" she asked.

"Yeah." he answered softly as he took her hand and they started walking. The walked up to the Washington Monument in silence, taking a seat on the very bench where Josh had proposed years earlier. "Do you regret my taking the job?" Josh asked as he put his arm around her shoulders. 

"No, not at all. It was good for you. It's what you needed. And now it's time to move on."

"I know. And I'm ready for whatever comes next." he said.

They sat for a while, eventually ending up at home a little after 3. They collapsed into bed and slept soundly for the first time in weeks. When Josh woke up the next morning he noticed the bed was a little crowded. Sometime in wee hours of the morning both boys had crawled in with them. Jessie was in between Josh and Donna while Jake was stretched out across the end of the bed, wrapped in the blanket from the chair.

Josh slid out of bed carefully, sat down in the chair and looked over at the bed. Three blond heads stuck out from under the covers and as he watched them he felt something he hadn't felt in a long time, the feeling of complete and utter contentment. And there was nothing like that in the entire world.


End file.
